The Bishop 5k

Video from Isabel's Program

2012-02-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

Isabel's Valentine's Program

2012-02-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

Isabel had her very first school program today. It was such a precious time watching her for a few reasons. One, it is her very first program. Two, she is our showboat. She loves being center stage and singing and dancing are in her blood. However, she was surprisingly, a tad bashful today. The third reason, it was exactly 4 years ago that we watched Joshua perform the same program while I was pregnant with Isabel.

I had a few times where I teared up during the program. All of these feelings about my kids growing up catch me during times like this. I couldn't believe my little four year old boy who stood on the same stage is now 8 almost 9 and that little girl who kicked away in my stomach during the same program is now 4. It took my breath away. There were all kinds of crazy emotions all wrapped up in this precious program. Praise God for life and for my babies!

Our Morning Routine

2012-02-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

School mornings tend to go by really fast. We are all rushing around, getting dressed, getting lunches together, etc. However, it all seems to settle down at the breakfast table. We all have a few moments of time together before spending the day apart.

(Joshua doesn't normally have that big bowl of cereal...I was out of bowls this morning)

(Typical face from Isabel in the morning...she is not a morning person, just like her mama)

Life

2012-01-30T12:10:00.000-08:00

Life is busy! Busy in all good ways. From the kids school activities, sports, planning for birthday parties, keeping up with the house, and all of the taxi I do, I find it hard to find much time to just be, which is okay with me. The busyness far out ways lying in bed ill and I will take it any day.

However, with all of the busyness I find my blogging lacking as well as my picture taking. I am going to try to be better at that from here on out. In the meantime, here are a couple pictures of the sweet girl I spend most of my days with.

Past Two Months without Treatment

2012-01-01T20:23:00.002-08:00

Have felt like a whirlwind! I am so thankful for the holidays and all of the precious memories, but I am so excited to finally have time to rest and truly recover.

It has been a interesting two months since finishing treatment. I jumped back into life very quickly before realizing I have some serious limitations. I may feel good in the first few hours of the day and for the most part I look normal, but my energy level is very low. I have to continue to remind myself that I did just spend the 6 months being poisoned by a very high dose of many different chemos. That being said, I have required myself to rest every afternoon, which comes with frustration because there is so much I need to do around the house, but just can't for two reasons...exhaustion and I tend to get overwhelmed very easily. So, there are no organizing plans for the new year. It will all just have to wait for the summer:)

As far as good news, I have let go of my hats and scarves. I now only use hats on cold days out of necessity. My hair is growing in very thick, but not long yet. I feel like I am growing more layers than I am length, but I am thankful nonetheless. The jury is still out on whether my curls will come back.

Overall, physically aside from exhaustion, I have been feeling fairly well. I recognize that I have some months of recovery ahead of me, but I am okay with that. Anything is better then what we just went through.

Both, Brandon and I have notice the struggles now are more emotional and mental. It has been very hard to be back in life and feel normal after what we have been through. It almost feels like a very strange version of culture shock. We know the Lord is still working in our hearts and minds...we just need to stop trying to figure everything out and just trust Him.

All of this to say, I come asking for prayer again. I am approaching my biggest scan yet on Thursday. This, Lord willing, will be my last PET scan. From here on out it will be CT scans, every 6 months for the next 5 years.

As the New Year rung in, I had a sense of joy and thankfulness as well as a sense of dread. This scan will allow me to say goodbye at least for a little bit to doctors, chemo, illness, sadness, fear, etc. There is a lot riding on this scan. So, as I type right now my hands are shaking with nerves...I ask for prayer. Prayer that my scan will be clear...completely negative. There is a chance of a false positve and even that sounds awful to me because it will require more waiting and more tests. Please pray for a very clear negative. Please also pray that in the upcoming days, that I will cling to the Lord and not be overpowered with anxiety.

I know I have not said enough thank yous for all of the love, gifts, and prayers we have received over the past year. Thank you for caring for my sweet family and caring for me. We love you!

New Years Eve!

2011-12-31T23:30:00.000-08:00

We were so excited to say goodbye to 2011 last night. What a year it has been...(more on that later)!

We had a great time celebrating with our friends. We had a very fun filled night of food, a Lego Rockband Tournament, fireworks, silly string, a movie for the kids while the adults played a game, ice cream sundaes, the ball dropping and cheers. All the kids made it to midnight, however they looked like they would just fall over.

I'll be posting about my feelings about the new year in my next post, but for now, pictures from out fun night.

Lego RockBand:

Just Before the Ball dropped (Tired Kiddos):

Belmont vs. Marshall

2011-12-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago we had the chance to go see a basketball game up at Belmont University. It was a very inexpensive night out because tickets were half off. So, for a total of 14 dollars, 6 of us were able to go see the game. It was a great game to watch, at some points it was very close. We even ran into and sat by some friends from church. Even though it wasn't a Texas game (4 out of the 6 of us were in Texas gear...Joshua's buddy came along, too), it was still exciting!

Randomness from Christmastime (from my phone)

2011-12-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

Brandon and Joshua played a 3 hour game of Texasopoly:

Cutting Sugar Cookies

Christmas Eve Breakfast:

Shrinky Dink Girl Time. The girls LOVE Shrinky Dinks...so fun!

Watch Out Black Bart

2011-12-31T14:58:00.000-08:00

Introducing Joshua's big gift...A Red Ryder BB Gun and he couldn't be more excited!

Christmas Pictures

2011-12-30T13:25:00.001-08:00

Pictures from Christmas Day:

Advent calendar completed

Opening Stockings

Our Babies

All my Loves

My babies and me

Goofiness with my Mom

Isabel's big present: We are testing her out to see if it is worth getting an American Doll for her birthday.

A dog that walks: She has been eying this one.


Revealed in next post

Christmas Traditions on Christmas Eve

2011-12-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

We incorporate a ton of traditions at Christmas time. Most of them come with the purpose to continually focus and point our minds and hearts to Christ and some are just for fun sake. This year I was terrible at taking pictures of everything. I completely missed taking pictures of our Jesse Tree and Advent Calendar, but here are a couple of our traditions from Christmas Eve.

Our Christmas Eve this year was spent at home, which was wonderful. I love being forced to stay in with no option of anything else, but family time. We spent the morning and afternoon making 6 dozen sugar cookies. We cut and decorated every one of them and then ashamedly ate every single one of them over the course of the week...with some help of course:).

After cookies we went to our church for Christmas Eve worship. I was extremely tired and dreaded getting everyone dressed and out the door, but once we were there, it was such a blessing. We all sang Christmas songs and listen to our pastor preach a very short message. It was a wonderful way to kick off Christmas. One of my favorite memories from the night was watching Joshua and Aby sharing a bulletin, while Joshua pointed to the words and they both were singing together. It was precious to see them worshiping on their own.

After the service, my mom came over and we had a bunch of food to eat. The kids opened their presents...on Christmas eve, they always get pjs, an ornament describing their year, and a family game for us to play together that evening. This year was Uno Roboto, which was so much fun.

Joshua's was baseball this year because that is the sport he plays.

Aby's was an owl because it is one, her school mascot and two, she LOVES them.

Isabel's was a little girl with pigtails which says I love Christmas. This is something she has been saying all month and it totally reminded me of her. She, however, was not thrilled with it.

Finally around 9:30, after reading The Three Trees, the kids crawled in Joshua's room, only to find that daddy had strung lights all over and made our annual Christmas tent (Every year the kids sleep together in a handmade sheet tent). They had a very fun-filled day!

We ended the night with 3 rounds of Sequence with my mom. It was a wonderful Christmas Eve!

Opryland with the Bishetes

2011-12-30T13:00:00.000-08:00

We have some very close friends who we have known since our kids were babies. A couple of years ago we began calling ourselves the Bishetes- a combination of our last names. This year to celebrate Christmas as the Bishetes, we went to Opryland to look at the lights. It was so beautiful and such a memorable time.

***I forgot my camera so these pictures are from my phone.***

The Crew

Buddies

My love

Totally wiped out!

Christmas Lights

2011-12-30T12:59:00.000-08:00

Hot Chocolate + Cake Pops + Christmas Lights + Candy Canes and goofing off with Santa = A Magical Night. (again, I forgot my camera...ugh)

Brandon's Birthday

2011-12-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

My sweet hubby's birthday was on the 19th and I am ashamed that I am just now blogging about it. I guess that is just how this year goes. It has been difficult to muster up the energy for the extra things such as blogging.

We had a wonderful time celebrating his birthday! This kids were in school for the first time this year on his birthday, so we had to get creative on how we were going to celebrate.

So, the day before his birthday, we took the kids to see The Muppets...one of Brandon's favorite childhood shows. They all, of course, loved it.

While Joshua and Aby were at school the next day, we celebrated with Isabel. We went to breakfast and Winter wonderland up at Bass Pro Shop. She was able to ride the carousel and other things all for free. She ate it up. After we got home, I worked on Brandon's birthday cake (It was the same cake Hagrid gave Harry Potter on his birthday), while Daddy took a much deserved nap. We ended the evening with dinner and cake.

It was a very simple, quiet birthday! I had wished to do so much more for Brandon this year...to thank him for all he has done over this past year. He truly is my knight in shinning armor. Our family is so blessed by is caring heart and comforting arms. He amazed me in how he took care of our family during our difficult times this year and how he still does. He is always searching for ways to make my load easier and constantly telling me to go rest. I hope one day I will be able to thank him for all he has sacrificed for me and for our kiddos. Happy Birthday, Babe! I love you and am truly blessed by you every minute of every day.

Bass Pro Shop with Isabel


Brandon's Cake from Hagrid:)

And Slide, And Slide...

2011-12-05T08:10:00.001-08:00

And do the butterfly. And dip, and dip, and shake our little hips. And you, and you, cheer with me too!

Aby cheered for the school's basketball team for the first time on Saturday. It had to be one of the most precious things I have ever seen. She was so brave and did her cheers so well. She is one strong, beautiful girl! We are so proud of her!

(We sat in the wrong section, so my pictures aren't that great. They will be better next week.)

Decorating the Tree

2011-11-30T07:32:00.001-08:00

After Thanksgiving, we spent the rest of the weekend preparing for Christmas.

Friday was beautiful out, so instead of going from store to store, we went outside all day and put lights up. All of the kids were in amazing moods. They were goofy and playing with one another with absolutely no fighting. It was wonderful. Friday night kicked off our Christmas movies so we watched Frosty.

Saturday, we bought our Christmas tree for an amazing deal. We had a %50 off coupon and got it for $18. Amazing!! Those are the kinds of things we need this year. The tree lived in the garage for the night because we were having light issues outside. So, Brandon and I spent the day fixing fuses...so fun! That evening we headed to a drive through light show. We did the same thing last Thanksgiving weekend, so we have decided to make it a tradition. The kids loved every minute of it.

Sunday, the tree came in and lights were strung and that was it. I was exhausted. Far too much activity for this girl. So we rested for the night with the promise that the tree would be decorated on Monday after school.

On Monday, we stacked all of the kids ornaments in piles in order to prevent arguements and they went at it.

Now, the rest of the house is just waiting to be decorated, but I am taking my time this year.

Thanksgiving!

2011-11-30T07:10:00.001-08:00

I completely forgot to take pictures on thanksgiving. I took pictures of the tables (to remember for next year) and I took one picture of the kids. I am normally the one with my camera in my hand constantly, but apparently that wasn't the case for Thanksgiving this year.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with sweet, sweet friends! However, we really missed our families. There is something about going through what we have went through this year, that makes us yearn to be with our families during the holidays.

All of that said...it was a very special time with dear friends! The kids had a wonderful time. There was 6 of them and they were all over the place and playing so well. We only had one incident...guess who it came from. Miss Isabel!! Isabel decided to give herself bangs on Thanksgiving! Thankfully, she did a wonderful job and they look purposeful. Again, I didn't get a picture, but you can see it in the picture in the next post of the three kiddos together in front of the tree.

We all feel like we have tons to be thankful for this year. Saying, I am thankful for my health, is no longer a cliche in my mind. I truly am thankful for my health and God's healing hand which allowed me to celebrate Thanksgiving without cancer.

A Month Without Treatment and Before/After Hair Shot

2011-11-29T18:16:00.001-08:00

In a few days, I will hit one month out of treatment. That is even crazy for me to type. I have a hard time believing that I am in this place as well as having a hard time believing what we just went through.

It has been a very fun and busy month. However, I have realized that my body has some major limitations. This happened after I ran myself ragged for 3 weeks and by the 4th I was suffering from major exhaustion and awful headaches everyday. So as much as I want life back to normal...I am factoring in some rest time and not committing to anything that requires an exertion of energy.

On top of exhaustion, I have been dealing with some unexpected emotions. I was warned by a fellow chemo patient...that when treatment stops anxiety creeps in. I thought she was crazy at the time, but now I understand. As awful as treatment is, there is a sick comfort in know your cancer is dying from the poison being pumped into your body. Without treatment...cancer can grow and that is extremely unnerving for me. I know at some point, I am going to have to submit this fear to the Lord and not let it run my life, but for now, with it being so fresh...that is very difficult for me.

As far as good news, I have had an amazing time being back with my family. It has been so rewarding to be able to care for them, to fully be engaged with them and to see them all rejoicing that I no longer need to go get medicine. I feel so blessed by each one of them and they have truly carried me through this struggle.

My hair has also begun to grow back. My eyebrows and eyelashes are pretty much back to normal and my hair is a little more than a Sinead O'Conner do. I am still wearing hats. I will be for while I think. I have seen plenty of women walk around with the amount of hair I have, but I am very uncomfortable with that and it is also really really cold. Today, I put a heating pad on my head just to keep warm.

All of this to say, I am so thankful to be in the place that I am in now. My body is beginning to heal...Praise God! He has carried us and sustained us through a very difficult trial.

*****Prayer Request: Tomorrow is my first followup appointment. This begins 5 years of followups. I am in this weird place of anxiety and peace all at the same time. Please pray that all goes well and I can walk out with encouraging news and nothing discouraging (bad news has crept into every appointment so far with my oncologist)******

Lastly, for my record, here is a before and after picture of my hair. The first one is from September...my 4th month of treatment. The last one is me a few days ago...2 months out of chemo.

Awful picture, but there is baldy:)

Introducing Sinead O'Conner:)

A cute hat, my sweet friend has lent me. Look at those bushy eyebrows...never thought I would be thankful for that!

Surprise!!!!!!!

2011-11-29T17:50:00.001-08:00

I don't think I have said it enough...I have the most AMAZING husband in the world. Not only did does he work so hard for our family and not only did he take care of me in such a loving way while I was sick..he also threw me an amazing surprise party to mark the end of treatment.

He worked so hard to pull the party off. He organized everything, even down to having me go out with a sweet friend for pedicures while everyone arrived at the house. He had wonderful food, an amazing cake, a pinata for the kids, and had two fire pits going (compliments of Mr. Steve Hill...he is always the fire pit man at our house).

When I arrived at home, I was greeted with the wonderful sound of a bunch of kiddos voices shouting surprise. So many of our sweet friends were here and I was so thankful to be able to see them all in one place and give them hugs. Everyone that was here, touched me in a special way throughout my treatment. I felt so blessed to have everyone come out and celebrate with us.

Thank you so much to all who came out...it touched my heart in ways I can't even describe.

Steve-Our Fire Pit Man...and our sweet friend. His wife Nicci was my pedicure buddy.

For the Captain America reference see here.

Jump!

2011-11-29T17:42:00.001-08:00

Jumping in leaves is one of my favorite childhood memories from fall in New Jersey. Thankfully, at our house, we have one big tree in the front yard that allows for a huge leaf pile. The kids love to jump in this pile every year. We all look forward to gathering all leaves and going crazy jumping in the pile. This year with Brandon's knee injury and my lack of energy, it was only the kids jumping, but they still had a blast!

Halloween 2011

2011-11-29T17:19:00.001-08:00

Goodness, I can't believe I am just now getting around to Halloween pictures....

Halloween this year was very fun. It was a tad cold and wet, but nonetheless, it was fun. Joshua dressed up as a ninja for the second time, Aby was a cowgirl, and Isabel was Belle...however that changed because she tore her costume just before we went out. Thankfully, I had a nice Snow White costume hanging in the closet that was her size.

Joshua and Aby had so much fun going to door to door as always. Isabel, however, freaked out every time there was a dog at the door. If there was a dog, the candy just didn't matter, she came running back to us. It was so sad and yet hysterical at the same time.

It was a wonderful Halloween!

Radnor Lake in the Fall

2011-11-29T17:00:00.001-08:00

Radnor Lake is so beautiful in the fall. The colors of the leaves are amazing. It is one of my favorite places here in Nashville, especially when the leaves are changing.

A couple of weeks ago, when Brandon's mom was visiting, we took a walk at Radnor. Joshua and Aby were in school, so it was just Isabel in tow. My energy level at the time was pretty good. I think I was having an adrenaline rush because everything was so beautiful and it had been so long since I was able to enjoy nature. It was a wonderful way to spend the day

Isabel LOVED being there, also. She had more energy than all of us and walked the whole time. She was able to see turtles, turkey, and deer that was about 10 feet away. She, also, loved walking with her daddy and her Gamgy.

Going Buggy

2011-11-29T11:27:00.001-08:00

Back in October, Joshua had a play at school. Plays were something I always missed when we homeschooled, so I couldn't have been more excited to watch him in his first school play.

"Going Buggy," was the theme for the second grade play and it was all about different bugs. Joshua was a katydid...what that is exactly I still don't know, because his costume resembled a tuxedo more than a bug. However, he was so excited to play the part of the katydid, mainly because he was among the few that got to dance with a girl. Now, those who know my boy, know that girls are the farthest thing from his mind, but there was something about this part in the show that appealed to him.

We were so proud of him! He did so well! Here his is as a katydid in going buggy:

Joshua at the end of his act:

Reciting his line:

Singing with all is heart:

So proud!


Joshua's Class:

Isabel was so happy to see her big brother (Aby had seen the play the day before during school, so she was in class when we were there.)

Joshua and his buddies (Yes, he is the tallest boy in his class):

Trying to Play Catch Up!

2011-11-29T11:17:00.001-08:00

Sadly, it has been over a month since my last post. There are many reasons, mostly steaming from time and pure exhaustion. I have jumped full force back into life, which I am now having to take a step back to breath and rest. I am wanting to surround myself with all signs of wellness and yet I am having to continue to remember that I am not there yet. As well as my mind feels, my body doesn't want to cooperate. I tire very easily and get out of breath quickly.
All that to say, my goal for this Christmas season, is too just sit back and enjoy...not stress about presents, decorations, parties, baking, etc. Rest and recover is my focus!

While I am resting, I have many posts to catch up on mainly about the kids. I am thinking about switching to a new blog, since what started out as a family blog, became more about cancer and I am at the point of wanting to seperate the two. I will post a link when that happens, but it won't that probably won't happen for awhile.

So, here I go to catch up...

Today is....

2011-10-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

My father's 70th Birthday! My father died very suddenly, very unexpectedly, 7 years ago. I was 22 and 9 weeks pregnant with Aby. Joshua was 14 months old and Brandon and I had been married for 2 years.

I just spent some time out on the back porch processing today. I woke up this morning with happiness in my heart because I realized I only have 5 more treatments to go and to top it off it is the most beautiful day outside. However, as I began to journal, I wrote the date and realized what today really is.

I am not one to memorialize dates when it comes to death. In fact, it is usually the regular days when grief strikes for me. I think it is partly because I mentally prepare for the birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. It's on those regular days grief can just come up and bite you in ways you least expect.

This year is different. I have felt grief come rushing back into my life. Hurt and pain, which I thought was over...I'm not. I have missed my father immensely this year. When I found out I had HL the void my father left behind suddenly became much larger.

I have missed his comforting voice, which was always there in my times of sadness growing up. I've missed the bravery and strength that my father represented. I've missed holding his hand. I have missed the feel of his beard on my check when we hugged and I have missed kissing his bald head.

Throughout this journey...his voice has been constantly echoed in my head.

A little background of what I mean is this...my father and I shared a love of sports. Especially baseball and especially the Yankees. We spent many nights on the couch watching games and many days out in the yard playing catch. My dad had a competitive drive, which he gave to me as a gift. A gift which I adore and yet can backfire on occasion (Joshua's baseball games bring out the best of it:). With that gift he included a phrase..."Jill, put your game face on!" Basically, try your hardest, be strong and tough, focus on the task at hand.

This had echoed in my head throughout my treatment and my sweet husband has even taken on the phrase. It has helped me face the pain, nausea, exhaustion, hair loss, fear, etc.

I have wished, greatly, that I could hear his voice again and see his baby blue eyes sparkle. However, he has given me many gifts to remember him by and for that I am so grateful.

Below, is a picture of a piece of paper I found tucked away in one of my father's books after he died. It is honestly my most treasured possession of his because it shows his heart and his love for the Lord. It is hard to read his hand writing, so I will type out what it says...

Lord, I will do anything that your kingdom requires of me.

Wherever you want me to be, I'll go.

Whatever the circumstances, I'm willing to follow.

If you want to meet a need through my life, I am you servant;

and I will do whatever is required.

I have read this many times over...I pray that one day I will be able to read these words with a very honest heart and echo them to the Lord.

(Pop pop and Joshua)

I am very proud of my father. Proud of his servant's heart. He served the Lord as a pastor for 26 years of his life. He served his country in Vietnam in Army Intelligence. He also served his family with a love that can't be described in words. He was a brilliant man, who loved the Lord with all of his heart. And, even though I have missed him and have felt the void of his absence in a much greater way this year, I am so thankful he is, at this very moment, in the presence of our Lord!

It's Fall!!!!!

2011-10-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

Fall is most definitely a favorite season in our house. However, this year Fall has brought a whole new meaning to our family, aside from falling leaves, pumpkins, and beautiful weather. It has brought joy! Fall was our marker through the past 6 months of dealing with cancer. Fall was when we told the kids mommy would be better and we could celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas cancer free. It is what all of us have looked forward too! And, now it is here and it is wonderful.

At the beginning of the week, the kids had fall break and sadly Brandon was out for town for work. So it was up to me to create some memories for the kids. On Monday, we went to Amish country with our close friends. I don't have any pictures from our day because they ask that we don't take any because it is against their beliefs. I wish I had some because it would have been great to capture the day. The kids had a wonderful time without pictures, stopping at each house looking for goodies, wooden toys, and of course, jewelry for miss Aby. They loved shouting at all of the horses and cows and seeing all of the wagons. It was a wonderful time out in the country with special friends.

Then, on Tuesday, I planned a whole day of Fall activities. We didn't get to all of them because of my exhaustion level. Radiation brings on waves of utter exhaustion that words can't describe. Even though we didn't complete all of our activities, we did have fun with the ones we did.

After I returned home from radiation, we started the morning making caramel apples.

While, the caramel apples were cooling, we took a walk. A leaf walk. Every fall when I was little, my mom, took me on a leaf walk in New Jersey. Now, I will say the leaves there are spectacular in color and the fall here, as far as color, has been a tad brown. But, we did find a few pretty red and yellow ones. As we were walking we found ourselves on the nature trail that goes around our neighborhood The kids loved this detour. Although, there weren't a ton of leaves on the path, it was an adventure.

We ended our fall day with a picnic on the back porch of pumpkin shaped grilled cheese and cooled caramel apples.

We still have some fun activities planned, but we thought we would save those to do with Daddy.

Joshua's Last Game as a Rivercat

2011-10-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Joshua and his team, the Rivercats, had a tough last game. Saturday, was the beginning of fall break for all the schools in the area, so that lead to many kiddos missing from his team. So, a team that normally had 13 only had 7. They lost 10-9, which all the boys were upset about, but they all played hard. Joshua had two hits, scoring once and bringing in a RBI. We couldn't be more proud of him!

He has learned so much this year. He was very challenged by the change from coach pitch to machine pitch, but by the end of the season he did great. He even went for a run of hits during his 8 at bats over 3 three games.

We are looking forward to next season. The boys go from playing in the minors (teaching season) in the fall, to playing in the majors (competitive season) in the spring. So, off we go to practice, practice, practice through the winter.

Joshua's buddy Luke, hung out with us at Joshua's game. Here is a link of a post from Joshua's first season. Oh my goodness he has grown! The last picture is Joshua and Luke running out onto the field together!

Spirit Week

2011-10-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

The week leading up to Hoot, Scoot, and Boogie was spirit week. The kids dressed in different outfits each day. We had hat day, crazy clothes day, sports day, spirit day, etc. I was able to grab a couple pictures of the kids during our morning rush.

Hat day:

Crazy Clothes Day:

Radiation-Week 1 (Done)

2011-10-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

Radiation began this week. It has been an interesting experience. One I hope to never repeat after this. I always imagined radiation to be a cake walk compared to chemo, but it does have its own difficulties. I think what I battle is mostly mental. It is difficult for me to not see what is actually going in my body. I can't see the radiation like I could chemo and yet I know it is just as much of a poison. It rocked me for a few days, but I am now beginning to adjust. I have 2 and half more weeks left and then we will be done. Praise God!

As painless as the procedure is, I am in an out within 10 minutes, I am beginning to feel some side affects. Fatigue is beginning to set in, as well as pain in my chest. My doctors warned me that I would have a dry, soar throat and difficult swallowing deep down in my chest. All of which could develop into thrush. As much as we hoped this wouldn't happen, I have begun to feel it today...the onset of chest pain and a very dry throat.

So, we still very much appreciate your prayers! I am a tad fearful of the pain that may come. Please pray that it will be mild. We love you all and are so thankful for your constant support!

On a side note: My hair has begun to grown back!!!!!!! I have a tad thicker eyebrows, my eyelashes are filling back in, and the hair on my head is as soft as a baby's. I am hoping by thanksgiving it will be headband time. :)

Here is a picture after I got marked with blue sharpie on Monday! Most of these marks will stay on because the techs use them to line me up every morning. However, as of today, I have moved from sharpie to paint because I reacted to tape the put over the marks...It is beautiful!

Baseball-Fall 2011

2011-10-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

It has finally happened. Joshua has landed on a sport. He, as of right now, loves to play baseball, collect baseball cards, and watch his Yankees.
After a year off, he decided to try baseball again and something clicked in him this year. He has been more focused and excited about games. He mainly play's 3rd base (mama's position:) ) and outfield. He also is our slugger...when he puts his mind to it...the kid can hit!! Tomorrow is his last game, which we are all bummed about. It has been a joy to watch him play this year, even if I am a tad too competitive at times (Brandon had to move away from me last game because I was stressing him out:) ). We are so proud of him! More pictures to come after tomorrow's game.

Hoot, Scoot and Boogie- Fall Festival

2011-10-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

The kids school fund raising fair was last weekend. The clever name for it is Hoot, Scoot, and Boogie in reference to the Oak View Owls. We spent all of Friday evening bouncing from carnival game to carnival game. The girls loved the pony rides, while Joshua was a big fan of the baseball game. It was so much fun seeing them run around their school liked they owned it. We are so blessed and incredibly thankful to be at Oak View.

Face Painting: Aby chose an orange butterfly because it is her daddy's favorite color. (Precious)

And Isabel: A Ladybug-She loves to play with ladybugs!

My little slugger:

Aby and Isabel on the ponies: Isabel held her nose the entire time because she thought the ponies were stinky.

While waiting to go in a bouncy house, I caught Isabel dancing...She is our little twirler:

Arrington Vinyards

2011-10-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, we met our very dear friends at Arrington Vineyards for an evening picnic. This happened to be my first weekend without chemo and it was an amazing way to celebrate. I didn't take enough pictures to actually show how beautiful this place is, but it is gorgeous. Between the hills, the cool weather, the changing leaves, the autumn sun, and sweet friends...it made for a magical evening.

These kiddos have grown up together. I can't believe how big they have all gotten!

So Thankful!

2011-09-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

So thankful for my first day free of cancer. The breeze felt more amazing this morning and the sun shone brighter than ever before. We are so thankful to our Father for having mercy on us and for healing my body. We know that there is more to come with radiation and my body healing, but for now, we are basking in the moment. Thanks be to God!!

Hating the Sawx and Storage Wars

2011-09-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

Around our house, we wear pinstripes and root for the Yankees. There really isn’t much need to hate the Red Sox any more than we do, but now I have more of an excuse. I recently heard one of their players is divorcing his wife in the middle of her receiving chemo for breast cancer.

No idea who this player is, their situation at home, or anything surrounding the circumstances of their divorce – overall, it doesn’t really matter to me. But, when I read that news I was floored because of what is going on around our house and what our marriage has faced this year. I couldn’t imagine going through this, divorcing my wife for any reason at all, especially during such a time as this. I love my wife too much, and our marriage is too important to let stupid cancer/chemo get in the way.

I don’t know how to nicely transition to this next part of the story, but I’ll tie it in later.

We love Storage Wars. We’re addicts and it has become a favorite show of ours over the past few months. These people arrive at a storage facility which has some lockers that the owners are delinquent on paying their monthly rent. The people break the lock, slide open the door, and the oohs and ahhs commence as the auctioneer ramps up the excitement to start the bidding until we finally get to see what treasures lie inside.

This morning Jill and I were talking about how easy it is to break those locks, just like on Storage Wars, with the right equipment and how there really is no safety for your goods with such devices. I’ve thought about this kind of stuff recently – we really are only resting behind a thin veil of security. Anyone who is determined can do anything to us or to our stuff. To me, what this speaks of is how much God restrains evil. Really, the only thing that keeps us “safe” is the fact that God restrains evil.

So, how does Storage Wars and my hatred of the Sawx tie in together? God. Just like He is the one who restrains evil, He is the One holding together my marriage, restraining the evil of divorce from our marriage. He is the One who allows me to love my wife the way I do. He is the One who has kept Jill and me together through this really, really difficult time our marriage and family has had to face.

Granted, my wife is a hottie and the most gorgeous woman in the world. She loves me and our little ones dearly and would do anything for us. But, life is life and it can be really tough at times. Our marriage has seen its share of difficulties, we’re no better or worse than the next couple; but God is constant. He has had mercy on us and kept us together and I’m so, so deeply grateful to the Lord for allowing us to endure this race so far.

I sit here in the PET scan waiting room as my bride is going through the rigmarole of the procedure, then it is off to the doc to find out what our next few weeks and months will look like. I hope and pray for mercy that no more chemo is around the corner. But, come what may, by God's grace and strong arm, I will love my wife dearly and deeply and we will keep our wedding vows till death do us part.

Go Yankees.

It's HERE!!!

2011-09-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

So this past week and a half has felt like an eternity, but today has finally come. Thankfully, the past two nights I was able to get some sleep without any help from medication. I credit that to all of the prayers surrounding us, thank you!
It is in a way, a very surreal feeling to know that by the end of the day, I might be free of chemo. However, I haven't let my mind go there too often for the fear of disappointment far outweighs my hope right now.
There has been many numbers thrown my way from my doctor and from the doctor at my radiation consult. It has been difficult to sift through and I have spent too much of my time overanalyzing everything they have said. These numbers have caused me to have paralyzing fear throughout this past week and a half.
I have had many conversation with the Lord, wrestling, seeking comfort, being angry and I know He is listening to me, still holding my hand through all of this.

All, that to say, we ask you, now, to please pray for today. Today has the possibility of freeing my family and I from the toll of chemo. That's huge!!!

-Please pray for peace and a sense of calmness as we wait.
-Please pray for a very clear reading on my scan
-Please pray for NO uptake (the doctor is concerned about uptake in my thymus. Even though it is possible that the uptake there might be negative, he still would want to treat me with a couple more rounds of chemo)
-Please pray for our kids, today:
We told then more specifics last night and it shook them up. We spent some time praying as a family last night, which the kids were precious about. However, I stayed back to talk with them after they were in bed...
Aby was in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't want me to get anymore medicine. She said was scared. I told her when she is scared to pray. That, God is here holding us. She then continued to pray for me while she cried. She prayed "God, please let us have good news and not bad news, tomorrow?" We held each other and just cried together. I then told her that I would be strong for her today, if she would be strong for me...then we pinkie sweared:)
Joshua: I held him for a while and asked him if he was okay. He said he didn't want to think about it because it makes him sad. I continued to prod. He voiced that he was scared as well, he doesn't want to hear that I still have cancer.
-Please pray that this is the end of chemo for my sweet family. We are worn, tired, and broken. We are just barely hanging onto the Lord. We greatly need this to be the end. And if it is not, I know I will face great disappointment, but I am also aware that God will be there just has he has been.
-Please pray for mercy. That the Lord will have mercy on us today!

I will say as difficult as this week has been, I have received some very sweet messages, emails, pictures, and phone calls. We have felt very loved and prayed for this week. Thank you so much!
There have been a few things given to me this week that have made a very huge impact on my heart. I have been clinging to them on a daily basis. One has been this passage sent from a sweet, sweet neighbor:

Ps. 71: 19:23

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies O God,

You who have done great things

Who, O God is like you?

20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter

YOU WILL RESTORE MY LIFE AGAIN (key verse for me)

from the depth of the earth, you will again bring me up,

21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness O my God,

I will sing praise to you with the lyre,

Oh Holy One of Israel.

23 My lips will shout for joy

When I sing praise to you

I, whom you have redeemed.

I have read this over and over!

And, then on Saturday. After spending the whole day busying myself. I received this picture from a close friend...

My first reaction was tears. I wept. I was so honored and felt so undeserving. My sweet friend
wrote:
Jill and Brandon, you were my inspiration to finish! You truly are running this race of life with endurance. Thank you for pressing on through the pain and heartache. There is a great cloud of witnesses cheering and praying for you!
She very quickly became a inspiration for me. I have looked at this it so many times over the past week, praying for that to be me today, finishing part of this race. Finishing chemo!

So, the plan for today is that I will go into the tube at 12 and I will find out my results in the doctors office at 3. I will post news as soon as I hear and have a chance.

Ultimately, please pray that Brandon and I will be able to receive whatever news with hope and with the knowledge that whatever we face the Lord is still carrying us through, even if we are barely hold on.

Love you!

In need of prayer!

2011-09-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

Sweet friends and family,

We are overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged, tired....the list could go on. Our house is in a constant state of survival. We are feeling like every aspect of our life is challenging and we are in desperate need of prayer. Brandon is incredibly overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities on his plate and I am in a place of frustration that I can't do more to relieve him. We feel like we are just barely getting by, at this point, on every level. We, both, are feeling the weight of this upcoming scan. We are more edgy, more emotional, more weary. Our family is tired! We all, even the kids, are so tired. We have been in a 21 week survival mode and the fear of that continuing is almost suffocating.

Please, please pray for us! We need it more than ever before!

Love, Us

10%

2011-09-20T06:59:00.000-07:00

It is funny how a number can become a nightmare or a big black cloud that prevents joy from shinning through. Yesterday, before I received chemo, Brandon and I had a talk with my doctor. We discussed my last scan and what he is looking for in my next scan. He told us there was some areas in the thymus which lit up on my last scan that concerned him and if they still light up he would want to continue with chemo treatments two more times. Ugh!! He thinks, however, that there is a 10% chance of that happening.

10% really is a small number and 90% is far greater, but 10% has struck fear deep into my core, it robbed me of my joy when I rang the bell yesterday, it caused me to doubt God's mighty healing hand.

My sweet husband, sees and knows when I am afraid before I even say anything. Every time he walked into the bedroom to check on me last night he would have questions for me. Questions that showed the reality of how small 10% was.

*Where you in the top 10% of your high school class? Me-crying, in chemo brain fog, " I don't remember" Brandon- "No, Jill you weren't"...right:)
*Where you in the bottom 10% of your class? No, that I remember because I would have been in big trouble with my father.
*When you are told your team has a 10% chance of winning...do you think they will win? Well, of course not.

Ninety is far greater than the number ten and God's healing hands are far greater than this cancer!

Sadly, yesterday I let the number 10 rob me of the joy of reaching what should be my last chemo. It caused me to not ring that bell hard enough or to feel the success that I should have felt when I walked away from the chemo room. It has caused fear, doubt and anger. It has caused me to see God as I used...out to get me, not on my side:( It robbed me and I allowed it too!

So many of you have asked what you can do to help? Please pray for me. Please pray for my heart and my mind as we again face waiting. Please pray for my eyes and ears to turn to the Lord and not to the deceiving words being shot at me. Please pray for complete healing and that nothing would light up on my scan next Thursday.

One thing I learned yesterday, while sitting in chemo: I got up to use the restroom and this sweet woman sitting next to me, who I talked to most of the time yesterday, was receiving the dreaded chemo the "red devil." This is one of the four I receive at each treatment. It is the one that causes all of the ugliness of chemo. It is also bright red and the nurse sits with you and pushes it into your port instead of a drip.

Well, while I was in the restroom, Brandon overheard her say, she refused to call it the red devil. She calls it the blood of Jesus! Huh? She calls it this because the blood of Jesus has healing power and that she wasn't going to give the devil any more credit. Wow! How much misplaced credit have I given? How much am I listening to the devil's lies than I am the Lord's goodness right now? She turned something so ugly, into something so tender and beautiful.

So, now we wait again! My scan isn't until the 29th! I will go in at 11 and then meet with my doctor at 3 to hear my results and the upcoming plan. Brandon and I covet your prayers during this time. It will be a very emotional time for us. Our family is very weary and tired. We are ready to move on from chemo. We greatly desire to here the words "There is NO more cancer!"

Also, if you could...please send me scripture to meditate on! I need some verses to repeat over and over in my head to block out the devils lies. You can email me them, comment here, FB...anything! I would greatly appreciate it. I am in need of some flaming darts to fight back with:)

Lastly, even though, I feel like I was robbed of my joy yesterday. Here are some pictures. I am hoping to look back on these next Thursday and feel the accomplishment that they represent.

My hubby, my love, my support, my rock!

My last empty chemo bag(Lord willing)!

Ringing the bell, again Lord willing for the last time!

Hope

2011-09-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here on the eve of my last (hopefully) chemo treatment trying to process the last 5 months. It has been the hardest road I have ever had to travel. Never have I felt suffering like I have over the past 5 months. Never have I felt love like I have over the past 5 months. Never have I experienced God and His goodness like I have over the past 5 months.

Brandon and I were able to escape for a couple hours this evening. We went to a park to eat dinner and we just sat and talked about it all. We are in a place of not really knowing how to wrap our minds around the past 5 months. We are still processing and I think we will for a long while.

It has been a very difficult time in our married life. We have faced trials in our 9 years of marriage before: my father's sudden and very unexpected death, a miscarriage, Brandon's father's death to lung cancer, and some other trials. However as difficult as those trials have been, this trial has caused us to be tested and stretched in ways like never before. We have been brought below what we thought was our breaking point and we have seen the Lord carry us through. He has been faithful at every turn, every pain, every heart ache during this journey.

I spoke in a last post about having a very difficult couple of weeks. I think my feelings could be summed up in the word Grief. Grief over the loss of my health. Grief over a time lost time with my family. Missing my father (Aug/Sept brings up many emotions about my father and this year was especially difficult). Grief that my baby girl might possibly be my last baby. Grief over all three of my children being in school. Grief about having cancer at the age of 29. I felt like I spent the past few weeks just crying and joy was far out of reach.

However, this weekend, I feel like I have finally emerged. Hope is around the corner and hope is something to be so thankful for. We are entering these next two weeks with cautious hope. I will ring the bell in chemo tomorrow celebrating my last treatment, but I will still be holding my breath until we know my scan results.

So, as we slowly, breathlessly crawl to this, hopefully, unmovable finish line we ask for prayer.
We ask:
*Please pray for my discussion tomorrow with my doctor. I have many questions about what is to come.
*For Brandon-Please pray that the Lord would give him an immense about of energy to get through this week. It is a busy one. (By the way, have I said how amazing he is:) )
*For the kids- Endurance to push through just two more weeks of mommy being really sick.
*For my upcoming scan-that it would show no uptake and that the cancer would be gone.

Thank you, again for all of the love, prayers, phone calls, FB messages, cards, gifts! We have felt so much care and love during this trial and we feel so blessed!

We are so thankful to be at this point! Brandon and I thought this day would never come. We know that the journey is not over after this. I will still have radiation, scans, and one last surgery. However, for chemo to end...that would be AMAZING!!!

***I am hoping to blog a little more this week. I have been processing a lot and need to get it all out on "paper."***

And, now I end with this picture...It is a few year old, but it has been carrying me through the past few weeks and has brought me many smiles.

Isabel's First Day of Preschool!

2011-09-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

While I am still in the muck of chemo, I want to be sure to still post the happy things or milestones that have been occurring in our household. One of those milestones: Isabel started preschool! We weren't planning on sending her to preschool this year. In fact, the plan was to do some homeschool preschool and then send her next year. However, since I became sick, Brandon and I, both thought school would be a great diversion for Isabel and it would allow me some quite rest.

She had her first two days last week and LOVED them. We are very blessed that she has the same teacher Joshua had when he was three (talk about flashbacks when we were walking her to class). When we arrived at her class, she ran right in, without a thought that mommy and daddy were in dire need of a hug and kiss.

It is and probably will continue to be a hard adjustment having all of my babies out of the house twice a week. However, we are so thankful that she has this opportunity to have fun and learn new things, while I focus on getting better.

Here is my baby girl on her first day:

Quick update!

2011-09-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

I have had a difficult time finding the words to express how I have been feeling over the past few weeks. It has been a very emotional, weary 4 weeks or so. More on that in another post.

As far as how I am physically feeling...it is pretty much the same. We now know when the symptoms will hit and for how long they will stay around. The only difference I am feeling now is extreme fatigue all of the time. In fact at my last appointment, my doctor said there isn't even a word to describe the fatigue that I will feel over the next few weeks. I am tired all of the time and can become out of breath just talking on the phone. My only encouragement, now, Lord willing, is that next Monday will be my last round of chemo. That is the light at the end of this tortuous tunnel for our family.

We continue to appreciate your prayers. They are still very much needed, as we are facing the possible end of chemo. There are many fears, uncertainies and concerns as we face the next couple of weeks.

PS- A couple more posts to come!

Lack of Endurance and a Day of Reminders

2011-08-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling with endurance lately. For some reason the words "you only have two more," have not been very comforting to me. I thought I would hit this point in my treatment and coast, but I have found myself feeling very alone, afraid, and weary. I have wanted to throw in the towel many times during this round...hence my last post of just being over it.

My mom said something to me this week that made all my feelings make perfect sense. She said: "The end of the race is always the hardest." It is so true. I began thinking back to my running days, remembering, that moment between the middle and the finish line. That was the hardest part of the race for me. I couldn't quite see the finish line yet and my body would slow down. Suddenly, my mental game would become as much apart of the race as my physical game. I would always have to push myself harder to make it through that point, until I could see a glimpse of the finish line.

This is how I am feeling now. I know, Lord willing, that the end of chemo is near and yet it is very difficult to see it through the pain my body is in. I also feel like it is a floating finish line...it could move further away, if my scan still shows cancer. My endurance is lacking at this point and a floating finish line isn't helping the cause.

However, the Lord has sent me reminders this week that I am not alone. Yesterday morning, I woke up in immense pain (the chemo aggravates my nerves, so the pain courses through my body) and my sweet Isabel climbed in to bed with me and said:

I: " Mommy are you in pain?"
Me (crying): "Yes, sweet girl!"
I: "God will hold, cause He is everywhere. He will hug you because He likes you."

I wept and just held her tight. A few moments before she came in, I was praying for a reminder of God's love, begging Him to show me that He was still here.

Last night, I was still battling the same ugly thoughts of anger, wanting to quit and give up, and feeling alone when I picked up a book and read this quote:

You are in the Beloved...

therefore infinitely dear to the Father,

unspeakably precious to Him. You are

never, not for one second, alone.

-Norman F Dowty-

Again, I wept because the Lord was continuing to remind me that He is here and I am not alone.

Then, later in that night, I opened my email and my sweet neighbor and friend sent me this song (it is amazing how close to home this song hits):

Talk about a day of tears for this girl. This week has been a battle for me. I have been very depressed and angry. I have been frustrated that I can't see my finish line yet. I have turned from God's comforting arms many times this week, to toil in my own misery of fear and anxiety. Yet, He continues to remind me the He is still here. He is running this race with me and I am most definitely not alone. He will carry me through despite my lack of endurance. Praise God!

Chemo 6!

2011-08-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have posted an update. I haven't really known what to write about! Sometimes either my fingers aren't working correctly to type or it is because I am just at the point of being over talking about cancer. I have said that a lot over the past few days. I am over it...over the treatment, over the nausea, fatigue, headaches, over seeing my bald head in the mirror, over gaining weight from the steroids they mix in my treatment, over being told what I can and cannot do. I am over the limits cancer puts on me. I would give anything to be able to put on my running shoes and run a couple miles again or even just run around the house with the kids without getting winded...that would be amazing! I especially would give anything to be the wife, my husband needs and the mom, my kids need. I can't wait for day when I will be able to be there for them everyday and not just a few days.

Okay, enough of the complaining! I just needed to get that out of my system.

As far as chemo goes, we are hanging in there. It is taking it normal course and has become a very unwelcome part of our family. We are praying at the end of September we will close the door to chemo, Lord willing, and open the door to radiation.

This round my counts were very low again! 1.3 to be exact...2.0 is consider low enough to send you home without chemo, but because of the aggressive nature that they treat Hodgkin's we push on and pray for no infection. This time around, however, I went in with a cold. So, we are praying that the cold just stays a cold at this point. I am under strict orders to rest and check my temperature constantly. So that is what I am doing...Netflix and sleep have been my best friends these past two days!

I am hoping tomorrow to have the energy to post more about the kids and the good times we had last week. God blessed us with some wonderful times and I even felt pretty good for the whole week, which is a HUGE blessing. Round 5 was pretty good to me...now we are just praying round 6 will be as well.

First Day of School!

2011-08-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, was a very big day for our house! It was the first day of school for both Joshua and Aby, but it wasn't just any first day...It was their first day in public school. We have homeschooled for the past three years. It was a very exciting day for them. They both walked in like pros!

Mom and Dad, on the other hand, had a very hard time watching them go. We have had many talks over the past few days about all of our worries and fears for them as they enter this new world. However, never before have I realized how much the Lord is carrying them through this time and He will always take care of them.

Trusting the Lord is the big lesson our family is learning right now; all 5 of us. I am so thankful for this opportunity to watch my children grow in the Lord, even if it means they aren't under my roof for school. My heart aches to have them home with me, but I know the Lord is at work!

Joshua and Aby LOVE their teachers and even have some friends in their classes. This made their first day much easier. They came home with huge smiles across their faces. It was non-stop talk about what they did, from reading to recess. Now, as I type this, I can't to see their smiling faces at 3:30.

Their prayer requests for today were: Joshua-He asked for help making more friends and Aby- asked for friends to play with a recess. We are trusting the Lord to hear their prayers as they entered their second day of school.

On a side note...We are praising God for having mercy on us during this time. It is a very emotional time for me and He has removed a lot of the physical aliments I normally face this time of week. I have been able to enjoy my kids, make breakfast for them, tie Aby's shoes, walk the into class with them, and even take them for lunch to celebrate the first day of school. After treatment on Monday, I wasn't sure I would be able to do any of it! Praise God for His loving grace!

Here are some snap shots from school yesterday:

A little bit of discourgement mixed in my chemo cocktail please?

2011-08-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

So, we are still praising God since talking with the doctor more about my results yesterday! However, if I am honest, I left chemo yesterday with a little more than nausea...some discouragement seemed to be mixed in my lovely cocktail.

The doctor informed us (either he didn't read the full report before talking to me on Friday or my chemo brain didn't hear him correctly...which is highly possible) there was still some residual uptake at the back of my mass in my chest. There is nothing in my neck anymore and most of the cancer is gone in the mass in my chest. He was very encouraged by this! He did say, however, that I will go to another PET scan at the end of these four rounds to see if it is gone. If it is gone...goodbye chemo, bring on the radiation, if not we will continue on with more chemo.

While, I realize that I should still be rejoicing in the wonderful news of the cancer being almost gone...the words, continue with more chemo, have become a dark looming cloud over my head. There are not enough words to describe the hell of chemotherapy. I have been counting down the days until my last treatment! It is difficult to have that back up in the air. It has seemed to rock my boat a bit.

I'm scared! I'm tired! I am yearning to be free of this poison coursing through my veins! Please join us in prayer that this cancer will fully be gone by the end of September.

For now, I am clinging to this paragraph, Brandon and I read last night in the book Be Still, My Soul!

God, in His providence, has the power and the will to work all things together for good for his people. This does not mean that everything that happens to us is, in itself, good. Really bad things do happen to us. But they are only proximately bad; they are never ultimately bad. That is, they are bad only in short (proximate) term, never long term. Because of the triumph of God's goodness in all things, he is able to bring good out of the bad. He turns our tragedies into supreme blessings.

- RC Sproul

I would give anything...

2011-08-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

to be back here, in this place, with all my cuties! We were here exactly two years ago and oh, how I miss my babies being little! I miss being free of this illness! I miss the days when my children didn't know the word cancer. I miss just having fun playing in the water with them. I miss carefree memories with my husband! What I would give for a day at the beach with my family, not worrying about cancer!

Good News and Proof Contexts

2011-08-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

Medical terminology is confusing to this muddy brained girl! However, from what I understand, we did receive good news today. The doctor called me this afternoon to tell me that the scan appeared to not show any uptake - basically this means: they inject me with a radioactive tracer that is taken up by active or cancerous cells. For him to say that there is likely no uptake means the mass likely does not have cancerous cells in there right now. We are cautiously, as is the doctor, optimistic because it is hard to say there are absolutely no cancerous cells at this point just from the PET scan. The doctor also said the mass in my chess has decreased by 30%. Now with the type of Lymphoma that I have, I may always have that mass, but the doctor was very encouraged by the decrease. So, to sum it up the mass in my chest has decreased by 30% and the scan showed that there was likely no cancerous cells. We will know more on Monday morning when I go in for my 5th round.

We are so thankful for the good news. It is a huge motivating factor to get through the next 3 months of chemo and radiation. We know that the road ahead is still going to be difficult and I will be still feeling awful...however it now has a purpose and a hope attached to it!

This morning when I woke up to leave for my scan, a sweet friend of mine sent me this devotional. The Holy Spirit knew exactly what I needed to hear before walking into this scary day and I am so very thankful she sent it my way. It is by Elisabeth Elliot!

Difficulties are Proof Contexts
Repeatedly I am asked variations of this question: Did the Lord comfort you or were you sometimes lonely or sad? It is not an either-or thing. If I had not been lonely and sad at times, how could I have needed, received, or appreciated comfort? It is the sick who need the physician, the thirsty who need water. This is why Paul not only did not deplore his weaknesses, he "gloried" in them, for they provided the very occasions for his appropriating divine help and strength.
It was in prison that Joseph knew the presence of the Lord.
It was in the lion's den that Daniel's faith was proved.
It was in the furnace that Daniel's three friends found themselves accompanied by a fourth.
We have plenty of "proof texts"--but in order to experience their truth we have to be placed in "proof contexts." The prison, the lion's den, the furnace are where we are shown the realities, incontestably and forever.

God is so good! He is so so good! He has met us in this ugly, dark place, time and time again. We see and know the realness of God unlike ever before. Do we love our situation? Ummmm...that is a resounding NO! However, we are so thankful to see the Lord in ways we have never seen. He has worked in our hearts greatly during this time and we praise Him for using the ugliness of cancer to turn, my eyes especially, to Him. This is our "proof context." Praise God!

Thank you for all of you prayers! I felt like I had an army of prayer behind me as I lay in the tube this morning. I was able to sleep last night and rest today! We are so thankful for all of you! Thank you for loving us during this time in our life!

What is Strength?

2011-08-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

Jill and I were able to go on a date this past week to see Captain America. I love stories, I love movies, and I love how they can capture your attention, transport you to another world, and the really good ones bring in truth that excites and resonates within you.

There is a scene at the beginning of the movie where Steve Rogers confronts a bigger dude that eventually pummels him to the ground. After each monstrous punch, Steve falls to the ground and then gets back up. One after another, the punches knock him to the floor and yet he keeps getting back up.

Eventually, Steve Rogers gets some shiny new muscles and kicks some bad guy butt and you would think that those shiny new muscles, those cool new weapons, that flash and that pomp were the very definition of strength. But, I’m learning something new about strength.

You would think that someone who is strong is without fear, walks in the face of danger or scary bullies with bravado and fearlessness. That’s what I would think, at least. But, let’s face it, we are all afraid of something. And some things are much scarier than others. Will that fear make you crumble, or will you keep facing it? Will you keep getting back up despite the fear?

At the beginning of this new chapter of our lives, I wrote about Jill being the strongest woman I know. How naive and little did I know. Did she face the new struggle with strength, you bet. But, I’m learning what real strength is as I watch my bride go through this day after day.

Just like Steve Rogers, my wife keeps getting punched and knocked down with each new treatment every other week. There is a literal transformation that takes place from when she leaves our house in the morning to when she comes back home from the chemo treatment. She is paler, greener, less sparkly, and visibly weaker in the afternoon and evening. She will walk through each day facing new things that are happening in her body. From the lethargy to the mouth sores to the stomach pains to the days of depression, she faces a litany of side effects and doesn’t really feel any better until the day before her next treatment.

But, she keeps getting back up. She heads on to the next treatment knowing she will face it all over again.

Then there is also the battery of tests and needle poking, and worse of all the waiting. The beginning was nothing but tests after tests, poking after poking, and waiting upon waiting. All until we finally heard the words we never wanted to hear, words no one ever wants to hear – you have cancer. And, today, she walked out the door, got into her mother’s car, and headed up to Nashville to drink a nasty juice, sit for 2 hours in silence, and then will face the cave of the scanner. All so we can wait to hear if this poison, this up and down that has characterized our last 2 months has been working.

But, she keeps getting back up. She is rained down on by punch after punch, needle after needle, test after test, and waiting after waiting – but she keeps getting back up.

Yes, Jill is afraid during each turn she faces. Who wouldn’t be? The fear of the next treatment, fear of the next test, fear that this isn’t working. But, I can proudly say that my wife does not let her fear take over, she gets back up and walks in the face of that fear to face her opponent.

Isaiah 40:31 says, “but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Jill’s strength doesn’t come from a stubborn resolve, it comes from the Lord who mounts her up with wings like eagles. Praise the Lord, oh my soul, praise the Lord!

I am so proud of her. Steve Rogers was Captain America and became a comic book hero because he faced the scary reality of bullies and kept getting back up. Jill is my hero because she faces a scary bully that is real and eats away at her body, but she keeps getting back up.

In need of prayer!

2011-08-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

Please pray for our family tomorrow! I go in for my midway PET scan and am very nervous. We are hoping to find out good news before the weekend, but we may not find out anything until Monday morning. Good news will mean-staying on course (4 more rounds of chemo, 1 month of radiation), Bad news- more treatment tacked on to that.

I know that the Lord is good. My desire is for Him to be glorified whatever the results and yet I am very scared to hear bad news. He has been so good to us during this trial and I am just trying to continue to trust Him.

I will post as soon as I know anything, but until then we appreciate your prayers!

Love you!

A Tough Week! Chemo Round 4

2011-08-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

This week has been an especially tough one! For some reason the chemo decided to knock me down much harder than the past few rounds. We had begun to grow accustomed to the pattern of pain and nausea we would face and then this week hit.

It started the moment I left chemo. Nausea hit hard...2 different nausea meds at the same time didn't even take the edge off. I spent the day laying still, in bed, just praying for it to cease. By the next morning it did. I was able to eat again, but my exhaustion level was unlike anything I had felt before. I couldn't move...just turning from side to side in bed was difficult. This continued all week! I was out of breath just walking around the house and even talking on the phone. On Friday, this all seemed to subside. I was able to get out of the house, finish registering the kids at school, and have a fun family night! I thought I was going to coast until the next round.

But here is the funny thing about chemo, it makes you feel awful and then just when you think you are out of the woods, it likes to slap you across the face. Since Friday, I have spent my days in excruciating pain radiating from my neck to my toes. Nothing relieves it...I have tried all different kinds of concoctions and none of them have worked. I have spent the weekend crying a lot! To be honest, I have had a lot of moments of just wanting to throw in the towel.
Fighting off the devil's whispers is difficult when the symptoms just keep coming. However, I am so thankful to have a husband who stops everything to hold me every time I cry and remind me of the truth.

Something happened this week though, that reminded me to turn to the Lord with my panic and pain. It was after we had put the kids to bed. Brandon ran to the store to pick something up for me and I decided to take a bath to try to ease my pain. At some point I heard footsteps running around the house. I could tell that they went from walking to a panicked run. It was Aby, she couldn't find us. She was searching all over the house except our bathroom. I shouted out to her and as soon as she heard my voice and saw me in the tub, tears of relief began streaming down her face. She was afraid we were gone. After comforting her for a little while she climbed back into bed. I went in to check on her shortly after and as I was holding her in bed, there was a sense of peace and calm about her. She was no longer afraid.

It was in this moment I realized, I am Aby! I have many times where I run around panicked, listening to the whispers of fear, searching for my Comfort, not realizing that He has been here all along and hasn't left me. Aby reminded me to stop running and just listen for His voice because my Daddy is right here holding me and I, too can find rest.

****
Okay, so now that I have rambled on and on...we are in a place where we still really covet your prayers! I find it difficult to pray for long periods of time. My prayers are usually one word or one sentence prayers throughout the day and it is very comforting to know that others are praying for us.

Prayer Requests:
-Friday at 8 is my midway PET Scan: I am terrified that nothing has changed. Please pray that there will be a decrease in the cancer. I feel like if we receive good news, it will give me that extra push to get through the next 4 rounds.
-My state of mind: This past round has really taken a toll. I am exhausted and weary of the fight. Please pray for continued strength to endure this awful trial.
- My Pain- My pain level is pretty high right now. Please pray for relief! I have lots to get done for the kids for school and can't until some of this pain subsides.
-Brandon: Continued strength as well! He has been amazing taking care of me. He lets me rest, takes care of the kids, drives them from place to place. And yesterday, after all the yard work he did, he cleaned our room, bathroom, and did laundry. He is AMAZING and I praise God for him everyday!

Praises:
-God provided in a very unexpected way for us, this week, to be able to buy school supplies for the kids. We were very unsure how we were going to afford all that they needed and He provided the means! Huge praise!
-On Friday, the kids had assessments for school, and they are both right were they need to be. This was a huge relief for us
-Amazing friends who watched our kids for us during the rough days last week! Thank you so much for making their summer fun! We are so thankful for each one of you!

A Rare Moment!

2011-07-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

This 4th round of chemo has been a difficult one. The symptoms this week have really rocked me a bit! I have found myself dealing with an exhaustion that words can't describe. In these moments, though, cuddles from my family always make me feel better. There is something so comforting in their touch.

Today, I received a special cuddle moment! This is a rarity in our house now. The kids are either to big to fit on my shoulder or are to busy to stop and fall asleep. What a precious gift I received today!

{Good Times}

2011-07-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

Brandon said this in his last post :

And, by all means, look to your loved ones, your spouse, your kiddos, and give them a hug, enjoy the health and good days the Lord gives you and know that we are doing the same.

We are doing the same, despite this crummy cancer. We Praise God for the good days and we take advantage of every moment. It is in these moments, when the darkness lifts, we are able to enjoy each other with a pure gratitude that would never had been there without this illness. Cancer, despite its destructive path, has not conquered our family. The memories we have created during this journey, will be some of our most cherished. These times with my family are the wings that carry me through the stormy, dark, ugly days.
Below are some things we did the week after my 3rd round. I have been way behind on posting them.

July 22:
We went to a drive in movie. As a family, we LOVE road trips! It has been so hard this year to not have a getaway of any kind. Our house sometimes feels like it is suffocating us. So, driving an hour to see a movie was a wonderful treat. It was Brandon and the kids first drive-in and they all loved it. The kids were enamored with the big screen the entire time. We watched Mr. Poppers Penguins and ate a bunch of snacks which I had packed for our "long" road trip. It was wonderful family time!

July 23-24:

Our sweet friends (who we met here) and their precious little girl came to visit us. They drove a total of 12 hours for a 24 hour stay. It was such a wonderful, encouraging time! They really ministered to our hearts! We are so blessed to have them in our lives!

We have been very blessed to have some good times mixed in with all of the bad. We really do try to take advantage of every moment...even if it is just hoping in the car to get a milkshake.

{Weary}

2011-07-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy this morning. I am weary and facing pure exhaustion! Every limb on my body feels like it weighs 10 tons. My breath is weak as I walk from the kitchen to the couch. The chemo has caused me to feel like I have been hit by a train!

I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning, yearning for the days to come when this exhaustion will no longer be felt. Yearning to be with my family as I heard the clinking of spoons in their cereal bowls. Yearning for the feeling of the wind in my hair.

Today, I am weary! Today, I am trying to rest in my Father's arms. I know He is here and I know in these dark moments He is carrying me.

If You See Ugly Face Driving Down the Road…

2011-07-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

I sit here writing as my wife lies in bed wrecked by this week’s treatment. It has been a very rough start to the week as she has battled nausea and exhaustion. These days are the hardest to watch my bride lie in agony, enduring a depressive state of wanting to give up because the side effects are just that terrible. I ache because I can do nothing for her but sit there and take care of the things going on around her – not the terrible things going on inside her. This watching takes a toll.

What encouragement is there in seeing someone you love wrecked by poison? What hope can we actually see with our eyes when we endure this dark road?

To my surprise, I can actually see hope and encouragement nearly every single day. This is a post I’ve wanted to write since day 1 of this journey because I’ve been shocked at what I’ve experienced. The Church is one amazing and precious gift the Lord has given to His people, to this world.

When Jill was diagnosed with cancer, even before that, when she found the lump in May, the Body of Christ was so amazingly swift in its immediacy to shelter us in His love that even as I write this it brings me to tears to remember. I am in awe of the Lord for this. There have been so, so, so MANY people who have come around my precious bride and our family to serve and love and encourage and suffer and give hope. I have never experienced this before in my life and I’m shocked by it.

Right now, I know there are a ton of people praying for Jill as she has posted on Facebook about her nausea. Right now, my son is having a load of fun with some friends from church and my daughters are enjoying snow cone day at their camp. Right now my house is quiet and my bride is able to rest. Right now the peace of our Lord that transcends all understanding is guarding my wife, my home.

This Church, this Body of Christ has marched into our home with love, comfort, joy, and baked goods that we feel love, hope, peace, and joy in our God. Our stomachs have not gone empty because a lot of families in this Nashville area have brought us a meal almost every other day. Our mothers have given up time and energy to sit with us, help with our kiddos, and give us date nights. Our friends have called, emailed, texted, mailed cards and letters, and dropped by to let us know that we are not alone – even driving 6 hours to spend a weekend with us. Friends have sacrificed a day to sit with Jill during some of her chemo days to make her laugh and distract her from the ugly reality of the situation. Our neighbors have been wonderful to provide meals, let our kids play at their houses for longer than normal, or brought us grocery items without even asking. Our kids are probably having the best summer of their lives because of the love you all are giving to us – which helps us to be so thankful that maybe they won’t remember the dark days of this summer.

You all have heard what this is doing for Jill’s heart; I see the Lord at work in her in a way that I haven’t seen before. I’m thankful for this. So, what is at work in my heart? The Lord is having a field day with me. The broom is out, the chisel is at work, the jackhammer is pounding. There is nothing like precious saints of His serving and loving on you and your family to expose the deep and ugly sin in your own heart. So much sin has been revealed, and this refining fire is pretty hot! I was convicted of this in such a weird way today. Of all places, I was in my car, and of all the songs I could’ve been listening to it was Metallica’s “One”. Not the most ideal of circumstances, but God does what He wants when He wants! He reminded me of how He is loving us through the Church, of all the wonderful things you all have done for us, how far short I fall in comparison, how my own heart is unloving, and I lost it. Right there in the middle of the double bass pounding, in the middle of Franklin, ugly face came out and was driving along the road experiencing the conviction of a sinful heart. I mean, if I can’t compare to the love that people are showing to us, how could I even compare to Jesus? No way, no how.

So, my prayer is He would heal Jill of all the cancer and it would never return. My prayer is that He would continue to humble and transform me from the wretch that I am. My prayer is that I would serve my bride and children with joy; that I would serve others with a loving heart. My prayer is that I would look to Him for all things, even the strength to watch my sweet bride lie in anguish in her bed.

Many of you keep asking what can you do to help – so, my answer is to help out in any way that you feel you would like to. Above all, pray. I can’t tell you how much you all praying has been invaluable to us – we can’t pray all that much, we are weak and tired, yet we both know those of you who are praying the Lord has been using to strengthen us. Also, don’t stop coming around. I fear some people would naturally pull away and not want to bother us, and I totally get that especially on chemo weeks. So, call and check in and if we’re up to meeting let’s do it! Keep emailing, writing, and Facebooking Jill – she gets so much encouragement from this. And, by all means, look to your loved ones, your spouse, your kiddos, and give them a hug, enjoy the health and good days the Lord gives you and know that we are doing the same.

Then, when you see ugly face driving down your street, know the Lord is doing a good thing in his heart.

A quick update!

2011-07-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last week trying to post an update. Every time I would attempt to write, the words just would not come out. There are a lot of thoughts bottled up in my head right now which I am having difficulty processing. One reason is the mental and emotional battle we are facing on this journey is taking quite a tole, but also because the chemo has caused me to become forgetful and somewhat slow. At times, when I try to type, my fingers just don't want to follow what they are being told.

So for now, I ask for prayer as I am on the eve of my 4th round. Prayer for an easier week! Prayer for my mind and the constant war it is under. Prayer for my family as they watch me undergo another treatment...we are all a bit weary! Prayer for strength and an awareness of God in each moment that we will face over the next two weeks!

Thank you for loving us and caring for us over the past two months! We have felt so cared for! Every meal, word of encouragement, and care for our children has meant more than words can express!

Love you!

**I am hoping as I sit in my chair tomorrow to post some thoughts from this past week as well as some pictures of the good times that were scattered in. **

Fear

2011-07-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

We are praising God that this third round of chemo has been a little more mild than the last two. It seems as though I have been faced with more nausea this time around than pain...which I will take any day! It is Saturday now, so I am praying that I am on the mend and won't be hammered with something else throughout the next couple of days.

However, I have noticed, this round, that I have been frequently in either a state of fear or sadness. They have both been lurking around every corner, every thought, and even in my dreams. I woke up this morning after having a bad dream, recognizing that I need prayer. As much as I need prayer for the physical state of my body, my mind and thoughts need it as well. I also felt I needed to just put it out there...make a list, maybe then I would stop constantly fearing!

So, my list of fears:
1. I am so thankful that I am a week away from being at the halfway mark...however with that mark comes my PET scan...what if the scan shows no change, what if the cancer has spread?
2. What is this poison doing to my body...yes, Praise God, hopefully killing the cancer, but what else is it killing? Will I face other health issues because of this? Will I ever be as healthy as I once was? Will we ever be able to have another child?
3. I am so scared about my kids going to school! I know they will do great, but I feel like a band-aid is being torn off and I am going to have to adjust to two of my kids being gone at one time! Have I prepared them enough while we homeschooled? How will they handle it? It makes me so deeply sad to not be able to teach them this year!
4. I am so sad that I am missing out on making a summer of memories with my family! Beach trips, going to the neighborhood pool, blueberry picking, going to the zoo, etc...they are growing up way to fast and I feel like I am missing out on time with them.
5. Will this cancer really go away?

I spend a lot of my time looking at pictures and reading old blog posts... I yearn for those times! Times when we were happy and not dealing with cancer! Times when I could smile and not worry about cancer! Times when cancer wasn't even a thought in my mind and I could just enjoy the gifts God has given me without fear!

Again, I am sorry for jumping around and for typos! Chemo has this way of muddying up my mind during the first week!

What a difference a year makes!

2011-07-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

This is where Brandon and I were this time last year! We were in a very remote village in the Himalayas! The most gorgeous place in the world with the most beautiful people worshiping our Lord! I spent last night dreaming of this place, as I fell asleep. It is hard to believe that in just a year my bed and couch is the scenery I see most of the time...but maybe one day, Brandon and I, along with the kiddos, will be able to return to a place like this again. But for now I can dream of it!:)

Chemo Round #3!

2011-07-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

What a long day! We were at the doctor's office from 9 in the morning until 4 in the afternoon. Apparently, there was a blood clot at the end of my port that had to get broken up before one of the chemo's named the Red Devil could be administered. This took at least two hours...then it was onto the drugs! Brandon and I joke that we should take a picture of how I look before going in and how I look when it is all done. My skin literally turns a shade of green.

Anyhow, the doctor said that everything looks good. He isn't feeling anymore lumps, my spleen isn't enlarging anymore than it has and my lungs and heart sound good. This is all a huge praise! He has me scheduled for August 5th to go in for a midway PET scan, it will be after my 4th round of chemo and I will find out the results on the 8th...so we covet your prayers that there would be some encouraging news from it.

So far the chemo is taking it's normal course...pain, nausea, headaches, and I am sure mouth sores to come. We seem to be better prepared for these things now though. I am armed with every medication under the sun, heating pads, lip gloss, mouthwashes, sensitive tooth paste, and loads of water.

As a side note: I find it hard to journal and yet I want to keep track of different things, this blogs has seemed to be the best for that, so if I begin to bore you feel free to scan on down:)

While, at chemo yesterday...since we were there so long. I met two woman, both dealing with breast cancer, both in a much worse situation than me. It was so wonderful to just sit and talk with them. They know my pain better than anyone! It was such a blessing to hear them say..."Yes, I felt that pain too!" "Yes, I have times of being really angry!"-this statement was from a pastor's wife! The both gave me their phone numbers if I every needed to talk...it was a wonderful form of encouragement. I also know that I will see them again two Monday's from now and that makes walking in to the chemo room a little bit easier!

Again, I can't say thank you enough for your prayers, cards, gifts, meals, words of encouragement! They have all meant the world to us and have truly helped us cling on to the truth!

As I sign off, I have a few prayer requests, a quote that I read that has made a huge impact me, and a couple of pictures:
-For Ada and Julie: These are the two women I met yesterday...please pray for healing and comfort during illness. This is Julie's 5th time receiving chemo and Ada's 2nd.
-This next week: Please pray for my symptoms, especially the painful anxiety and aggravation I felt last round. Please pray they would be more mild.
-Strength: For Brandon...he has so much pressure on his shoulders, it pains me so much to not be able help him as I use too!
-Our Children: Continued understanding for mommy being sick! Comfort for them, when I am unable to comfort. Also, that their faith in the Lord will continue to grow as they see God keeping His promises. Lastly, as they transition to public school from homeschooling this year. We are all a little bit nervous for this one!
-Provision: Medical bills are beginning to stack up and it is becoming very overwhelming.

Now, a quote by Andrew Murray, I read before going to chemo yesterday:

First, He brought me here, it is by His will that I am in this

strait place: in that fact I will rest.

Next, He will keep me here in His love, and give me

grace to behave like His child.

Then, He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me the

lessons He intends me to learn and working in me the grace He means to bestow.

Last, in His good time He can bring me out again-How and when he knows.

Let me say, I am here:

1. By God's appointment

2. In His keeping

3. Under His training

4. For His time

This quote brought me so much comfort as I faced another dreaded Monday. I am trying to cling to the Lord and His purposes!

Lastly, a few pictures with my balding head!

This is a chart Joel Anderson made for us to countdown chemo days...let me just say...What a huge blessing it is to visualize the chemo days going down!

At Chemo with my honey:

A Good Week in pictures: 2nd-9th

2011-07-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in the chemo chair right now, looking at pictures from last week. They make me smile! There is nothing technically perfect about them. I didn't spend time making sure the settings were correct on my camera, nor did I process them to have the perfect finish! Some of them are even blurry. It is very difficult for me to post pictures that don't look like they would even fit on my photography site. However, I am now realizing that every picture I take just needs to represent the joy that is in my life during this time. So here we go...some very technically imperfect pictures that bring me great joy of the people I love!

This is our week (well last week now) in pictures, despite chemo:

July 2nd-Shooting some early fireworks with the kids! They were paratroopers that flew way in the sky and the kids would catch them! This was a huge hit!

July 3-Spending time watching Brandon and the kids play in the water. I even ran around in the sprinkler a few times. It felt amazing!

July 4- Joshua went to his first day of camp. Brandon, the girls, and I went to Bicentennial Mall and then went for some dessert. We ended the night with time with our sweet friends, Steve and Nicci, for a BBQ and fireworks!

Joshua's First Day of Camp:

Girls Kicking Cancer's Butt:

Some fireworks we set off:

July 5- Celebrated my Mom's birthday! I took her too Merridee's and we wandered into a few stores in downtown Franklin! This was the day I found my counts went back up and I felt like I had won the lottery! This was also the girls first day of camp!

July 7- All kids at camp! I spent some time just enjoying the quiet!

July 8- Family day at Deer Run! Joshua had so much fun at camp! While at camp he was able to kayak, canoe, rock climb, archery, crafts, songs, Bible time, and played in the creek. He LOVED his counsoler...I think he got a bigger hug goodbye, then I think we have ever gotten!

Joshua was so proud to kayak across this lake and back twice!

Brandon and Joshua enjoying a game at camp:

July 9- Celebrated Brandon's Mom's birthday with breakfast and Merridee's and a movie at the new Franklin Theater. (These were all taken from my phone, hence the blurriness)

Overall it was a great week, with mild symptoms! I tend to over do it on my off chemo weeks and each thing wore me out, but every minute was so worth it!

Kermit the Frog Here

2011-07-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

Jill has completed her 3rd treatment today - so we rejoice that another treatment is done as it brings us closer to the end, but we celebrate with caution as her tiredness and agitation has already set in. All went well overall - counts are normal, thankfully, but we did have a marathon day since her port wasn't acting properly at first. And she left pale as a ghost then was as green as a favorite muppet frog when we got in the car!

Thanks for the prayers today, please keep them coming over the next few days!

Health and Wealth - Wait, Maybe Not

2011-07-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

Let’s face it, we all hold to one degree or another, a belief in the prosperity gospel. Well, maybe not you, but I certainly did even though I would have denied it vehemently in the past.

The woes we’ve had in the past, I feel I weathered fairly well. I was able to keep a positive outlook, trudge through the event, and cling to my faith. But, when this whole cancer trouble came knocking on our door, all that positivity, all that strength, all that faith went away.

The questions of why does God allow bad things to happen circled like buzzards over road kill. If He is our Father, if He is all powerful and can take anything away, then why wasn’t this going away? Why was He allowing His daughter to suffer through this? I felt that if it were me, and my child was suffering like Jill has had to endure, and I had the power to erase it all, I would. If He loved us, we would be prosperous and have good health.

So, this put me in a tailspin. My faith was rocked, my joy in Him was sapped. All our dreams were quickly dashed into pieces. Our plans changed. Those buzzards swooped in and began to pick at the dead flesh of my faith, and to be honest it feels as if I’m starting all over again. Watching your precious wife suffer physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually will strip you of all your warm fuzzies about life and make you come to grips with a reality that didn’t ever seem likely.

Then, where does that leave you? What is faith in God really like? Is it conjuring up those warm fuzzy feelings? Is it bearing down and making sure you do that quiet time each and every single day? What does real faith look like?

I don’t know. And, I don’t know where we will end up when this is all said and done. I hope closer to Him, with a faith that is more real and more in love with Him than ever before. But, until then, the buzzards will keep chomping away at the old, legalistic flesh of my faith and that prosperity gospel I once believed in (even if it was in the closet) has been shattered.

Riding this Roller Coaster

2011-07-03T14:25:00.000-07:00

Cancer has this way of making you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride from hell! It takes you for a physical ride, an emotional ride, and a spiritual ride that you just can't be prepared for. Every moment is different and normal is non-existent! We try to face every turn and hill with bravery, but sometimes the hill turns into a mountain which causes an indescribable amount a fear, anxiety, restlessness, and pure exhaustion. This week I found myself screaming to get off this ride, begging for some relief from the anxiety piercing through every bone in my body. It was such painful restlessness that caused me to turn to the Lord and beg for mercy!

Relief finally came today, as it seems I am hitting the downhill portion of this ride. I am now a week out from my 2nd round of chemo. I finally feel as though I can rest, but just for a moment, because another hill is just around the corner. This week we coast! There shouldn't be anymore nausea, mouth sores, headaches that really can't be defined as a headache, and restless nights. This week my body should just rest as it gears up for round three.

I will say, however, that symptomatically, this past week was far better than the first round. We are beginning to see patterns of what I will face each day...when the mouth sores hit, etc. However, what I have found most unbearable this week is the restlessness. It hurts and I can't sleep...my body feels like it could run a marathon in an hour, but at the same time sleep for days. It is torture, but thankfully the pattern we see, is that is only lasts for three days. Praise God!

Today, I heard the words...you sound like yourself! It is the first time I felt somewhat close to myself all week...which I am so grateful for. It is difficult, though, to feel somewhat normal, but then look in the mirror and realize that I look nothing like normal. Cancer is now written across my head! Yeah!!!! I am so glad that cancer has found a away to affect every aspect of my life (note sarcasm)!!!

It's strange having all of your hair fall out! For some crazy reason I thought maybe I would be one of those who don't lose their hair, but sadly I have joined the hat and scarve club very quickly. I started the week with curls, then Brandon cut my hair on Friday night to about 3/4 of an inch, and tonight he is going to buzz it. We are buzzing it because I now have bald patches throughout my hair. It's hard, but I am thankful that it is just temporary! I do see this and understand that it is only for a time, yet feel as though my femininity has been stripped from me in just a few days. I will say though, I have braved a few stores already with just a hat and it is amazing how having three kids running around the cart can completely distract you from even caring about your bald head!

And, Brandon...he makes me feel beautiful everyday! Every time I cry he is there to pick me up and wrap me in his arms. He knows when to joke about it and when to pull me aside and dance with me as if I am Cinderella! I am incredibly in love with this man!

So, the pictures I am posting now are from my haircut on Friday. My hair looks totally different today...I have lost a ton in just two days. More pictures will come, though, as I get the buzz tonight with my boy. His reasoning for a haircut however, is so he will be nice and cool at camp this week:)

PS-I am so sorry for jumping around in this post...it is hard sometimes to complete a sentence and writing a paragraph can seem impossible when chemo is running through my body!

Thankful!

2011-06-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up with anxiety striking through my entire body! I had some horrible dreams last night...its amazing how medication can make them feel so real. However, I was quickly diverted to sweet messages in my email and on FB and of course my sweet husband and kiddos!

Today, so far, somethings I am thankful for:
-Feeling much better than the first round of treatment: Its Thursday and I am sitting on the back porch, while the kids are in the pool! I have mild sores, a mild headache, and just overall weakness. This is a huge praise!
-Although my hair is falling all around me, God blessed me with very thick hair and I haven't had to face the razor just yet:) I am very thankful, for one more day with some hair!
-Watching Isabel chase a butterfly in the yard!
-Watching the kids play with bubbles
-The amazing cool breeze outside

I am just very thankful to be apart of life today and not stuck in bed, at least for the morning!

{Beautiful}

2011-06-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

Definition by the world: having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.

God's definition: "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the IMPERISHABLE BEAUTY of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is VERY PRECIOUS" 1 Peter 3:3- 4

Today, has been a struggle! One I knew was coming, but was hoping may just pass me by. Today, my hair began falling to the ground. I touch my head and curls disappear. It is such a difficult reality! I can no longer hide from my cancer...it will be visible from here on out, no matter where I go. There is no place to hide from it!

However, the Lord has given me comfort through my sister in law and a dear friend! Both of whom spoke truth to me through scripture and song. The verse above is what beauty is...not whether my hair is curly, thinning, or bald. All are beautiful in the Lord's eyes, but my heart is far more beautiful to Him. To quote the song I was gifted "You make beautiful things out of dust, you make beautiful things out of us!" He is making me new, molding me.

Now I will admit, I have been very angry with the Lord lately. I have been very confused by this new trial our family is going through. It has been a very difficult to come to grips with and I am sure there will be many more wrestling matches between the Lord and me.

However, He opened my eyes to Him today...He will make something beautiful out of anything, even cancer...and in that I can take hope. Hope is something I have not had since I was diagnosed last month. HOPE was given to me today even as my hair is falling to the floor. My definition of beauty is changing...

Beauty:

-Time in my husband's arms dreaming of Italy together.

-Brandon gripping my hand, feeling my pain, as if it were his.

-Brandon ALWAYS making me laugh! I am so blessed by this and my next post will be about this!

-Hugs from my children as I cry!

-Pictures of my children having fun at their friends house.

-Rest! Restful sleep!

-Having energy to water my garden.

-The smell of fresh air.

-Quiet time on the back porch as the sunsets.

-And yes, my receding hairline!

Asking for Prayer

2011-06-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

I just received my second round of chemo today! My sweet friend, Leigh, took me and it was such a wonderful time of fellowship for me. It made time fly by!

So far I have just felt loopy and very tired, something I am very thankful for....we are praying that the mouth sores will stay away this time. I have been armed with many tricks in attempt to keep them away!

As far as news from the doctor today...my white blood count is very low, borderline, which concerned the doctors. They debated on even administering chemo today! Obviously, they chose go through with it, with a commitment from me to be very diligent. I have to wash my hand constantly as does Brandon and the kids. I can't eat berries and grapes (things that don't have a peal) or veggies that can't be cooked. I also can't work in the garden, which is something very sad for me because it has become very therapeutic. If I go into the store I have to sanitize the cart and wear a face mask (the mask I am not too sure about:)). If I show any sign of infection I have to call immedaitely to prevent ending up in the ER. I will go back in next week to get labs done to see if they have gone back up. I also may get a shot that will boost them if I start to feel awful.

All this to say, we are bummed about this new issue to deal with. This has already been a difficult road and now we have something else to deal with. It has been so discouraging to hear bad news over and over again.
We do have some prayer needs and we covet your prayers as we embark on this second round:

-My counts will go back up
-I will stay well and so will may family, especially Brandon's mom who is coming from Texas on the 7th. We really want to see her and need her to be well for that to happen!
-The mouth sores will stay far away as well as the awful headache I had last round!
-Brandon as he plays Mr. Mom for the next few days. The he will have unending energy!
-The kids, they are having a hard time understanding why I am back in bed again.

Now for good news of the day! Aby lost another tooth! She really lost it...we have no idea where it is:) I took this picture with my phone, so its not great quality, but nonetheless we have a lost tooth and that makes anyone smile, even this chemo patient!

A Cabin, the Beach, a Cafe in Spain...

2011-06-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

These are all places that Brandon and I have talked about a lot lately. We talk about packing up the kids and just running as far away from this place as we can. A cabin in the woods, a house on a beach, or my favorite... to the cafe we ate at 4 years ago on the streets on Barcelona are just some of the places we talk about. All we desire right now is to escape our circumstances and everything that surrounds it, but sadly cancer isn't something we can runaway from. We are forced to fight regardless of the toil it takes in hopes for a healthier life later on...but oh how I wish we could hop in the car and drive far, far away.

However, we recognize even as amazing as those places sound, that we must turn our eyes to what is happening around us and be thankful. The Lord is blessing us in the midst of cancer. It is so easy to get lost in the dream of escaping to a far away place, but He has blessed us with some escapes right here in our home. A walk with my family or dinner on the back porch have quickly become my cabin in the woods. Time talking with my husband on the couch instead of watching TV, curling up with my kids in bed, hearing Aby and Joshua read to me...all of these things have become that cafe in Spain.

I even had a moment this week, where I could just feel the Lord's arms surrounding me. Both girls came into our room in the middle of the night which is a rarity. Aby cuddled with Brandon and Isabel curled up with me. It was the first time in a long while that Isabel was still long enough to just sleep. I held her and she held me and we both just slept. It was moment where I felt so much love. Again, it was another escape...I would choose that moment over Spain any day.

As far as symptomatically, this past week has been much better than last week. My mouth sores went away as did my head pain. Thankfully, I have only faced exhaustion and some pain around my port. I am very thankful for the relief. It has allowed me to be with my family as well as take care of them a little bit. We are so thankful for the past few days, however, we know what is coming around the corner and that is something that we are dreading. We love chemo because it is killing my cancer, but we are dreading the toil it takes on our lives.

We continue to ask for your prayers. We ask for God to be apparent to us in our time of anger, disbelief, and desire to just runaway. We also ask for prayer as I face chemo on Monday that it wouldn't take as huge of a toil as it did the fist round. Please pray for strength for Brandon as he takes care of our family. And, also please pray for me...my hair has begun to fall out. I noticed it in the shower this morning and it is much harder than I expected it to be.

Again, we thank you for all of the meals and those who have watched our kids...we couldn't do this without you!

Lastly, I am posting some pictures from a walk with my girls. This has become a favorite thing of mine to do. I was able to do it three times this week. It is such a wonderful time together. They both ride their bikes, as I walk with them and my sweet Isabel talks to me the entire time:)

PS- I added the followers button on our sidebar. I figured that would make it easier to know when there are new posts!

It's in the little things!

2011-06-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

It's was in the little things of today that I was able to see the Lord's mercies! He was here and has been this entire week, but today the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to His grace and love.

Today, I was able to spend the day with my family, celebrating my big boy's 8th birthday. This time yesterday, I thought it was impossible because I felt so awful. However, this morning, the Lord answered our prayers and allowed me to feel well enough to be out on the couch watching, cuddling and interacting with my family. To the outside looking in...it wasn't the most exciting birthday for Joshua, but to us, it so incredibly special.

I woke up this morning with an appetite and was able to actually sit at the table and eat waffles with my family. That was followed by time resting on the couch just watching my kids play together and laugh. Their laughter bring me such joy!

The best part of the day was this evening... we had just finished birthday cake and were back in the living room sitting on the couch. Joshua was building his new lego set and Brandon was playing horsey with the girls. There was so much joy in the normalcy and sweetness of this moment for me! It was then that I realized how thankful I am for these little things that God has blessed me with! Time with my family is a true treasure!

On a side note, I am feeling slightly better! I talked to a chemo nurse today about my pain and she thinks I am battle some sinus issues. We are praying that a little decongestant will do the trick to revealing the pain. Apparently, the chemo has caused the increase in pain and because my immunities are down we are praying this doesn't turn into an infection. I will be headed to the doctor on Monday if nothing changes. She also said that this pain isn't normal, which was encouraging to me that maybe I won't be laid out for 6 days after every treatment. Also, the sores in my mouth are almost gone...praise God!

Thank you again for joining us in prayer, especially for today! I am so thankful for the answered prayer of being able to spend time with my family on Joshua's birthday!

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy! You are such an amazing, caring boy! We are so blessed to call you our son! And, so thankful for these 8 wonderful years God has blessed us with! We can't wait to see what God has in store for your tender heart! Love you so much!

Struggling

2011-06-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

This week has been the hardest week of our life. Never have I felt so much pain, nausea, discomfort, and restlessness. Brandon and I have said many times how weird it is that before chemo...cancer was in my life for a least a month and I felt nothing, I lived as though there was no cancer. However, the minute that red cocktail hit my veins, our world turned upside down.

I have spent most of my days this week in bed, trying to just stay still and hydrated. My doctor said that I am experiencing a chemo headache. A headache... really?....because it feels like nails are being driven into every part of my head, from my mouth to my tear ducts. It even stings to cry. I have also been battle sores in my mouth that make me feel like my tongue is on fire. And last night, I began to feel the "tingle"...meaning my hair will be falling out soon.

Brandon has been amazing through all of this. He has so much pressure on him! He has been taking such wonderful care of me, as well as the kids, house and still working. I am so thankful for him. He is my prince and God has blessed me so richly through him. I spend much of my time worrying about him, though! Our family is being put through some real hardship right now and I know that when I hurt...he is hurting as well. Please pray for him!

I have been so thankful for the messages, texst, FB posts cheering me on throughout my days. It has been such a source of comfort because it is very difficult to not feel as though you are sinking into a hole all alone. I know that the Lord is here and is listening to my cries and yet sometimes, I feel forgotten. It is hard to not see the long road ahead and become very discouraged.

Thank you also, for continuing to pray! One prayer request for now that we have, would be for relief. Joshua's 8th birthday is tomorrow and I would give anything to be functioning at %50 so I could celebrate with him! Please pray that the pain will subside and the sores would disappear, so that I can be there for my family. It is breaking my heart that I can't be "mommy" right now!

Again, thank you for everything! We have felt so loved and cared for! Please know I read every comment, email, FB post throughout my days. It is hard for me to respond most of the time, but please know they are being heard and we are seeking great comfort from them.

Love you!

Reality

2011-06-14T01:06:00.000-07:00

*Warning-I am very foggy at the moment. I don't know how much of this will make sense*

Today, was the first time that it really, truly hit me...I have cancer. I spent all day in bed just trying to stay still because of the nausea. And, it was in these moments, I realized I have a terrible disease floating around my body and also have poison being pumped through my veins (a poison I am very thankful for, but nonetheless a poison). I can look around my room and see the evidence of cancer everywhere...packets on Chemo, tons of medicine bottles, tissues, saltines, etc. It is a harsh reality to accept. It is so difficult to avoid the pit of despair. Cancer is awful!

I lay here now, unable to sleep, since I spent most of the day sleeping. I have been thinking about my day, trying to remember somethings that happened which reminded me of the Lord's presence.

-A wonderful husband, who has been serving me with such a joyful heart! He bought me beautiful flowers today!
-Sweet kids who would sneak into my room, just to give me a kiss.
-My mom providing some needs from Costco, such as laundry detergent, chicken, toilet paper, etc (things we really needed, but just couldn't swing it, with mounding doctor's bills)
-My mother-in-law sending us a gift card to Barnes and Noble for some books and magazines.
-Zofran-What an amazing medicine this is! Nausea be gone for an hour!
-Sweet friends taking care of my children.
-Texts, phone calls, and messages on FB throughout the day!
-Sweet Friends bringing a wonderful meal and being able to watch my family being provided for.
-Praise music- I find it difficult to focus on anything right now and just listening to praise music puts my mind at ease.
-The comforting cards I have been receiving in the mail everyday.

These things have brought me joy in this really difficult time. Every single one is just such a reminder of God's love! He truly cares for us!

I was reminded of His grace and mercy yesterday as I sat in the chemo chair for 4 hours. I was surrounded by cute bald heads in scarves. All of these people are going through the same thing as I am and yes, I am about 30 years younger then they, but that just doesn't seem to matter. We all belong to the same club. I talked to three women yesterday..one who is battling breast cancer for the 5th time and another woman who only has a 1% chance of surviving her cancer. My heart aches for these women and it hit me...God has put me in a place to be able to pray for people, whom I would never otherwise know. It also immediately cause me to be thankful for HL, which is something I never thought I would say.

Lastly, we had a huge praise yesterday! My PET scan revealed cancer in my neck/chest and NO place else! It didn't spread! Praise God for His hand of protection!

Thank you so much for your sweet prayers!

The Strongest Woman I Know

2011-06-13T06:11:00.000-07:00

Her prayer says it all – I just want whatever would give God more glory.

My wife has cancer. What a hard and difficult reality to speak, to walk through, to even bring my mind around to understand. This isn’t something I really thought would happen, this isn’t something I ever thought would become a part of our story. And, it wasn’t ever something that I thought would be Jill’s reality – mine, sure, not Jill.

Today we begin the next chapter of this story, the diagnosis is in, now begins the treatment and sickness as a result. And, I have to sit here and watch as the drugs that are supposed to be a warrior within my wife’s body to kill the cancer cells ravage her from the inside out. I, the one called to be the protector and warrior of this family, am supposed to just sit and watch helpless.

This is a reality I still don’t want to accept.

Praise the Lord, though, we face a battle that will likely be won, Lord willing. A battle that will likely have a good outcome on the other end. But, it is a battle nonetheless – a battle I cannot physically fight.

A Scripture that is coming more alive to me is Psalm 73:25-26, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Our hope is only in the Lord.

So, I am faced with the only weapon I know can now be effective in this battle – the Word of God and prayer. However, I am weak at wielding prayer. But, faced with sitting idly by or taking up the mantle of prayer, I will choose the greater weapon.

This brings me full circle – how can I not take up this weapon? How can I not pray for this precious woman in my life? If she, who is facing this battle, facing these side effects can say with all genuineness that she is willing to take whatever would glorify God more, how can I not now enter the battle even more so?

This is my bride, my precious love. She is unbelievably strong and wonderful. Just now I watched as they wheeled her back to have the port placed – this is real. And, she is strong, placing her faith more and more in the Lord. Her concern all this week was just to make sure I would be put on a good footing in the house to begin taking care of the house and the kiddos, to make sure the kiddos were ok and help them through this, she is completely wonderful and I’m so privileged to be a part of her life. Who wouldn’t love and charge up a hill for this woman?

Now, “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14 Yes, Lord Jesus, come.

What does it feel like when you know you are getting chemo in the morning?

2011-06-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have to say very scary! I am still in this place of unbelief that this is really happening to our family. Up until now, I have been able to have moments where I forget that I have cancer. However, from here on out it will be obvious and that is something I am really not looking forward, too!

Aby asked me a ton of questions tonight about cancer, such as... is cancer like a germ? Do kids get cancer? Does daddy have cancer? Will you have to lay on the couch a lot? How long will you have it...just a few days? Followed by..."Mommy, I don't want you to have cancer!" All of this said with tears in her eyes...hardest moment of this so far.
Joshua, however, is just the opposite. He hasn't asked anything, but he has been super cuddly, which I of course LOVE. He is very quiet and internalizing, so I know that this is an outward expression of his worry.
And, Isabel, she is in he own little world, but tonight she picked up on something because she prayed for me just saying "Please help mommy cause she goin' to the doctor!"
My heart breaks for my kids! It is so hard to think about the future and the possibilities of not being able to be "Mommy" all the time.

Brandon has been amazing! I am so thankful for him! I have said many times that I really believe him when he says "in sickness and in health." He has been a rock for me. He is so strong and has put up with such and emotional, moody girl for the past month!

So, now we head into tomorrow and we are just trying to trust in the Lord and take it one day at a time. We are confident He is here, walking through this with us and bending His ear to us as we cry "Abba, Father" throughout our days! We know that even with all of the uncertainties, that He will provide for all of it! We could not imagine going through this without Him!

We do, however, continue to convet your prayers, especially for tomorrow!

Please pray for:
-Easy and quick placement of my port
-That there will be peace felt, for all of us as I start me first round of chemo, and
-That the PET scan results will come back not showing cancer anywhere else (this a a major worry for me right now)
-Lastly, for Brandon and the kids, that they will feel the Lord's comfort surrounding them!

Thank you again, dear friends and family for walking through this with us! I am so thankful for such an amazing family, a wonderful group of friends, and truly an amazing church family!

PS-So sorry for typos, I am exhausted right now!

Hair

2011-06-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have been talking and thinking about my hair a lot lately! It is amazing how you can have cancer and a majority of the time you are thinking about loosing your hair...not the fact that you have a awful disease floating around in your body. Well, I do think about the awful disease, but the hair thing has caused more tears than I have expected.

In efforts to head off the pain of loosing major clumps of hair, I went to get it cut short. I planned on it being really traumatic, and parts of it were, but it was easier than I expected. It was all because of my little girl. The fact that she was there with me and she was also cutting her hair short was very comforting.

I am so proud of her...she was such a trooper. She got 10 inches cut off for Locks of Love and then she waited for an hour as I got mine cut. It was such a comfort seeing her in the mirror behind me as I got my haircut. She was just playing, without a care in the world, with her new adorable hairstyle. I will say there were some tears shed, but there were more smiles because she was there with me.

It was a very meaningful time for me. Never before had Locks of Love meant so much to me...I mean I have loved Locks of Love, but to see my girl willingly donating her hair, while I am sitting here with cancer and hair loss in my near future... the only word to describe it is...special and I am so thankful for my Aby girl.

The Journey Begins-Cancer Part 1

2011-06-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

Our journey began exactly one month ago to the day. I woke up that Thursday morning to what I thought was going to be a normal day in the Bishop house. However, at some point that morning I put my hands on my neck and found a large lump at the base. It was very alarming, my thoughts were racing to every diagnosis it could possibly be…spider bite, a reaction, mono, anything, anything but cancer. At this point Brandon called the doctor for me and we got in just a few hours later. That appointment was only the beginning of our journey of waiting, being poked, prodded, scanned, and even having the lump removed. The doctor, sadly, knew from the beginning that it was Lymphoma…we thought he was crazy for calling it before even having a biopsy…however, he was correct and now we are very thankful for his quick reaction and concern.

About a week ago, I went into surgery to have the lump removed. It was 2 inches in diameter and much deeper than the doctor had realized. It also went below my collarbone, which caused the doctor to be extremely careful because of the many arteries in that area. The surgery was successful, but the promise of finding out results after surgery was broken. Instead, he told us to hope for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma at this point because it looked like cancer So we proceeded to wait through another weekend until this past Wednesday, our 9^th wedding anniversary. This was when I heard the words… “You have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”

Okay, really, are you sure, is this a dream or a movie, because this just doesn’t seem to be right…Well, sadly, it is right!

So, on Friday, we went to the oncologist and he staged me at HL 2A for now. He said that this coming Friday I will go in for a PET scan to make sure there is no spreading and to confirm two other areas as being benign (they found a spot on my liver and my spleen which the doctor thinks is benign, but he wants to make sure). So, as long as the scan doesn’t reveal anymore cancer then stage 2A is where we will stand and I will proceed with the plan.

The Plan:

-On the 13^th have port put in, go up for first chemo treatment.

-8 treatments of 4 different types of Chemo, I will go in once every two weeks.

-Side effects: nausea, fatigue, mouth sores and loss of all body hair…and a bunch of other things.

-Get a cute short haircut, so the shock of my hair falling out won’t be so drastic.

-Go shop for some cute scarves and hats.

-2 PET scans: 1 at 2 months, the last after all 4 months of chemo. If cancer is minimal or gone than it is onto radiation 2-4 weeks, 5 days a week.

-Hopefully, have this all behind us by Christmas.

Now all of this could change based on the PET scan findings, but we are praying that it will stay the same.

It has been a very difficult month. We never imagined that we would be going through this, but we are trusting in the Lord, in his goodness and healing hand! We have felt so loved by our family as well as our church family! We feel very undeserving of all that we have already received.

So now, as we start this journey, we ask for prayer…

Prayer:

-For Brandon: Please pray for strength. He is still recovering from his knee injury and now he’ll be put in a position to have to carry more of a load than ever before. Please pray for understanding from his employer as well as for the load to be lifted a tad. He has been very overwhelmed at work lately. And, also for comfort…he has already voiced how difficult is it to watch me go through this.

-For our kids: Please pray as we will tell them sometime this week. Please pray for their hearts to be protected and that this will increase their faith in the Lord as well. Also, that they will have understand, especially our youngest when mommy is sick and daddy is tired.

-For our moms: Please pray for comfort as they watch our family go through a difficult time. Pray that they would be able to rest in the Lord’s arms and also for strength, as they desire to help us in everyway.

-Please pray for financial provision…we have no idea how much chemo and surgery and everything else is going to cost. We have already had a bunch of medical bills from Brandon's surgery, so the mailbox is for sure not a fun place to go. Please pray that the Lord will give us peace and that we will rest in His provision.

-Lastly, please pray for healing and strength for myself…that the road ahead will not be a long and drawn out and that I will remain strong in my fight. Also, please pray for my faith to grow and that my relationship with the Lord will be one of true reliance upon him.

Thank you sweet friends and family for walking through this with us! We are clinging to the Lord in great anticipation of what lies ahead!

Lastly, please know, as long as I am feeling well, we want to be involved in life. Please call, email, meet up at the park, coffee or for dinner…anything...we want to be involved as well as praying for what is going on in your lives. We love you!

My Babies, My Comfort

2011-05-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

My hubby's wonderful, caring arms and my sweet babies loving, hugs and kisses, have been my comfort during this difficult time!

Baby Robins!

2011-05-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Today, while the kids were outside playing, they found a robin's nest! They were all so excited and came running and screaming to show me. They were all talking excitedly at the same time to where I could't understand what they were saying...Isabel especially was freaking out!

As I was putting Isabel down for her nap, she was going on and on about the eggs. She said that she wanted to get the eggs and sit on them and squish them. I went on to tell her that the mommies sit on them to keep the babies warm. Isabel said "like a blankie?" Yes, sweet girl like a blankie! She now wants to get the eggs and sit on them to keep them warm and hold them in her room. Precious!

It is always such a special thing to know that there are baby birds in your backyard! I think we all come a little protective of them.

Soccer Party Time

2011-05-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

My sweet Aby girl had a great soccer season this spring! She had an AMAZING coach (her daddy) and had a great time with her teammates.

A couple of weeks ago, Brandon gave the team a little motivation...he told the girls that he would treat them to Sweet Cece's if all 9 girls scored a goal in 1 game. He thought in the back of his mind that this would never happen, but much too all of our surprise, it happened last week. Which of course meant, our little girl scored her first goal and we were going to have to prepare for a soccer party at Sweet Cece's!

We are so proud of Aby! She played hard and had a smile on her face while doing it! When she scored her first goal in the first minute of them game...the smile on her face was HUGE and then she looked at her daddy and there were tears in her eyes because she was so happy. Brandon joked after the game that both his Jills reacted the same way, because I was in tears on the sidelines! We were so happy for her!

So, as promised, we headed to Sweet Cece's last night, ready with trophies, medals, and new nicknames for each of the girls. The nicknames were created by Brandon, who I will say, is the best coach ever! He is always so engaged with the girls and he really knows how to get on their level! Every game, I was always so proud that I was the coach's wife solely because he is amazing!

Now back to the party! The girls all had the frozen yogurt with many different combinations of toppings from fruit, candy, cereal, and even gum. After eating their treats, it was award time! Seeing their faces when they saw their medals and trophies were priceless!

It was a wonderful season and I am so proud of my Aby girl and my sweet hubby!

The Dynamic Duo:

"Like" This Time of Year/"Dislike" Cicadas

2011-05-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

Cicadas-What was God's purpose in creating cicadas? We are now in the middle of a cicada invasion here in Tennessee! It only occurs every 13 years and since we have only been here 10, this is the first time that we have experienced it!

Thankfully, we do not have it as bad as some of our friends do. We only have a mild invasion in our backyard by the trees. I have a friend who's backyard is covered with them...to the point of there being mounds of their exoskeletons at the bottom of their trees-YUCK!!

It has been, however, entertaining for the kids, especially Joshua! They have spent a lot of time out by the trees knocking the exoskeletons off and catching the real live cicada. Joshua loves to find anything cicada and chase his sisters and mommy with it:)

A couple of nights ago, he caught one in a jar and named him "charlie." Charlie was a resident of the Bishop household for only one night. Joshua let him go in the morning...Thankfully!!!

I will say this, they are nasty, loud, and have red beady eyes, but their wings are gorgeous! Joshua found a wing today in the grass and it is absolutely beautiful! So, even though I have no clue as to why God created this insect and why they emerge in swarms every 13 years from the ground, I do see His mighty hand in the beauty of a cicada wing!

Meet Charlie the Cicada:

Their lovely exoskeletons that we find everywhere in the back:

Joshua and his new friend:

Slip and Slide Fun

2011-05-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

Last night was such a beautiful night outside. The temperature was perfect! We decided to pull the slip and slide out for the kids to burn off their energy. Joshua was much braver this year with than ever before. Aby had no issue throwing herself on the ground and Isabel, she did the catwalk down the slip n slide.

Easter Morning and Resurrection Cookies

2011-04-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

Due to Brandon's injury and surgery last Thursday, our Easter was very small this year. We weren't able to attend church or go anywhere for Easter brunch, but we were able to do some things at home (however, we did have brunch at home...pictures to come). One tradition in our household is resurrection cookies. The kids really enjoy doing this and it is a great visual for them. I didn't get any pictures of the actual cookie making, but here are a few from Easter morning.

Snuggle Puppy

2011-04-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Isabel is our snuggle puppy. She loves to snuggle. In fact, she either running everywhere under the sun or snuggling.

This picture is from the day of Brandon's surgery last Thursday. Isabel curled up with her sleepy daddy on the couch and just cuddle with him while he was resting. And, yes she is wearing her bike helmet:)

Please pray

2011-04-21T04:47:00.001-07:00

Please say a prayer for us this morning! Brandon is going in for his knee surgery this morning and we are all a little nervous. Please pray for safety and a quick recovery!

Daddy: A Protrait

2011-04-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

During school last week Isabel drew a picture of her Daddy! Here is her version of what Daddy looks like:

Kitchen Helper

2011-04-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

Isabel loves being in the kitchen when I cook. She loves to help in every way, especially with stirring. A couple of days ago, I taught her how to make my Dad's pasta sauce. Yes, she is too young to remember the ingredients, but she loved stirring all of them together!

My Little Buttercup!

2011-04-11T13:27:00.001-07:00

Every spring when I was little I would hunt for buttercups in the grass! When I found one, I would hold it up to my chin because my mom always said if my chin turned yellow from the flower (really its reflection) that meant I loved butter. I have told Aby this same thing a couple of years ago and every spring since she has been outside looking for buttercups. Last weekend, she found one!

Veggies!

2011-04-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

I hated green vegetables as a child! There was not one that I liked! Sadly, my kids have followed in my footsteps...more so Joshua and Isabel..Aby will eat broccoli and green beans. I blame myself for not pushing them more. When they start gagging (I mean really gagging) at the table I am quickly reminded of how I felt the same way as a child and I cave very easily. Brandon is much stronger in this area than I.

However, this year we are embarking on becoming much more healthy...not just dieting, but eating real foods, organic and natural. We are becoming members of a CSA and buying eggs from a farmer down the road. Another addition to the list is growing a vegetable garden, not just tomatoes and herbs like I normally do, but green beans, lettuce, broccoli and more. I attempting a small garden this year; one, to see how it goes and two, because we are going to be getting veggies from a farmer weekly.

So my agreement with the kids became this: If they were going to help me garden and plant seeds of their own, then they will eat what is given to them from our garden without complaining. Aby is very excited about this agreement. Joshua not so much and Isabel, she has no idea what is coming.

Below are the pictures of the raise bed Brandon made for me. The first is before I dug up all the grass and the second shows it all ready for organic soil. It now contains soil and is all ready for the veggies, but they are still growing inside for now. We are waiting to plant them until we are sure that there won't be a freeze. The kids can't wait! They have loved watching the seedlings grow!

Daddy and His Helpers

2011-04-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

The past few weekends have been beautiful here! We have spent all of our weekend days outside playing and working in the yard. We have been embarking on new projects such as building garden beds and fire pits (pictures to come), but mainly we have been in clean-up mode. I have been digging trenches around most of our beds, transplanting monkey grass, and trimming growth from last years perennials.
Both, Brandon and I enjoy yard work this time of year and despite Brandon's injury he has been involved with some of the work. Last weekend he trimmed one of our bushes and carried to branches to our wood pile...well in efforts to save some trips walking with his bad knee, we put the girls to work!

My Soccer Player's War Wound!

2011-03-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Brandon joined an adult soccer league this year. Sadly, he was only able to play one game because in his second game he injured himself.

During the first half of the game Brandon planted his foot, twisted, and heard multiple pops. Thankfully, at the time I was taking Isabel to the bathroom otherwise I would have panicked. I arrived back just in time to take him to the hospital.

After an ER visit, a doctor's visit, an MRI, and another doctor's visit...the verdict was that he tore his ACL completely, he had a partial tear in his MCL, and he damaged his meniscus.

So, surgery is in the near future. It was suppose to be this coming week, but the doctor wants his MCL to heal a bit before surgery, so the new date is the 21st of April. It was grim news for us learning that his surgery was going to be delayed. Delaying the surgery means that his recovery will be extended by 4 weeks (it takes up to a year to recover from an ACL tear). However with the bad news came good news...he told Brandon to wear his brace 95% of the time so that he could walk around instead of using the crutches. This was HUGE for us all because Brandon could do so much more with our family. It had been a really rough two weeks before this news and this made his injury a tad easier.

So now we count down the days until surgery and in the mean time strengthen his knee by walking and doing exercises (doctors orders).

Below are pictures from Brandon's phone...the first one is Brandon faking being knocked out in the ER and the last one is the difference in the normal knee and the hurt knee.

Our First Vegetable Garden-Part 1/Seedlings

2011-03-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

We have decided this year to have a vegetable garden in our backyard. We have, or more like me, discovered a LOVE for roasted veggies. So, this quickly became motivation for me to plant a garden. We have always planted some vegetables like tomatoes and peppers, but never a full on vegetable garden.

A couple of days ago, the kids and I planted seeds to grow the seedlings. We planted broccoli, green beans, basil, and lettuce. I plan on planting tomatoes, peppers and possibly some other vegetables and herbs from transplants.

The kids and I are planning on recording and mending the garden. I told them if they are going to work on it and be involved that they must eat them as well. That they were very excited about.:)

Pictures of Aby's Lost Tooth!

2011-03-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

Precious!!!

Growing

2011-03-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

This is all probably too much information, but I do use this blog for keeping record of things in the Bishop household. So here it is...

Today, my kids reminded me that they are growing up!

Two things happened with Aby today:
Number 1: She used a bathroom stall at a restaurant all by herself. Yes, I was in the bathroom with her, but she went into the stall all on her own and came out on her own. There was no need to shout don't touch this or that. She is old enough to just know what to do. Something about that just hit me!
Number 2: She lost her third tooth! Yes, she has lost two already and you would think that I would be getting use to it, but there is something about the top front tooth that is different. She looks precious and so old. I will post pictures of her soon!
And, Isabel:
Number 1: She finally went number two on the potty!!! Who-Hoo!! I just pray it continues!!
And, finally Joshua:
Number 1: We had a very grown up conversation in his room while building Legos, today. I am amazed at the boy he is becoming. It is wonderful to carry on a conversation with my child who is almost eight. As much as I miss my baby boy...I absolutely love interacting with him at this age!
Number 2: While at Aby's soccer game today, he took amazing care of Isabel. He played with her, raced her and kept her from going into the parking lot. He does all of this so willing and enjoys being with her so much. He is such a helper.

It's Soccer Time

2011-03-12T19:26:00.000-08:00

Aby had her very first soccer game today. She played so well. She ran the entire time and had a few moments with the ball. It was really sweet to watch her play. We are so proud of her...she conquered her nervous jitters and played hard. I am so amazed at how big she is gotten...it wasn't long ago that she was the 3 year old on the sidelines and her big brother was playing.

Blue Ridge Mountain Getaway Surprise-Day Three

2011-03-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

Today, was our last day at the cabin. We were all really sad to leave. It was a memorable getaway for us and we didn't want to return back to reality. Brandon and I spent the morning packing while the kids played and then we squeezed in a little rock collecting time. We all gathering pretty rocks to study during school back at home. This activity was more Aby's cup of tea. She hasn't stopped playing and looking at her rocks since we've been home.
On our way out we stopped at the look out for a few more pictures...it is so beautiful up there. We also stopped to look at the Ocoee Dam on our way out. Joshua really enjoyed this and it was everything Brandon could do to keep him on the ledge...that boy loves to climb.
It was and amazing, wonderful, beautiful, special, memorable, time together as a family. I am so thankful for such a thoughtful, caring, loving, husband!
PS-The last picture is of Isabel sleeping. All three kids slept in one room and they didn't much sleep, not to mention we didn't do naps for three days. She was wiped out and slept in the car for two and a half hours. She was out!!

Blue Ridge Mountain Getaway Surprise-Day Two

2011-03-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

Sadly, Brandon had to work on Monday, so for part of the day it was just the kids and me. We spent most of the morning just relaxing, but after a couple hours the kids and I got dressed and headed outside. It was such a beautiful day, cool and sunny. Our cabin was toward the top of the mountain and at the bottom was a creek that Joshua wanted to go to. So my intentions of our little outing was just to go on a hike a little way down, but instead we found ourselves at the creek. I have the most adventuresome boy, he is made for the mountains. He loves to climb up rocks, cross tree bridges, slide down muddy hills and play in creek water. He has been this way since he was two. This was the time that he shocked us by hiking up a steep incline from the base of a waterfall to our car all by himself. Now his youngest sister seems to be following in his foot steps, however with a much more girlie approach...a little screaming and hand holding, but she makes it.
Anyhow, this trip down the creek turned out to be just Joshua, Isabel and me..Aby was not all interested in going anywhere down the mountain without her daddy's protection.
Unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera so I didn't get any pictures of our hike down, but it was a very memorable time for me. I was able to show Joshua that I am as much of a tomboy as I am a girl and I love getting dirty and climbing things, too. I think he was a little surprised. We made it down to the creek and stayed there for a little while collecting rocks and throwing sticks in the water. As we left the challenge began. Getting down was fairly easy..steep in some places, but getting up with a three year in my arms was a whole different challenge. With a little help from big brother we made it up the steepest part a little out of breath and met our rescuer with the cutest 6 year old. Daddy and Aby had come down halfway to help us back up. Brandon knew that my back (I have a bugling disc) was going to be in big trouble with out his lifting power. We all five made it back up to the top. It was a wonderful time together...I just wish Aby was with us the whole time.
After lunch, we all went on a little hike, by the Ocoee river. This was the location of the '96 Olympics for water sports. It was beautiful. Again, Joshua climbed every rock in sight and the girls were happy just running along and splashing in the puddles.
After the hike, we headed to a lookout for pictures. It was beautiful. God's creation is just gorgeous! The day was well spent in his beauty!

Blue Ridge Mountain Getaway Surprise-Day One

2011-03-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

Let me first say... I have the most amazing husband in the world. He is so thoughtful, always thinking of others, always serving and providing for his family with a joyful heart. I love him more than words can even express!
All of that to say this past Saturday, my thoughtful, loving husband, surprised the kids and me, with a trip to the cabins for 3 days. We have been under a lot of stress lately and just really needed to refresh and regroup as a family. My sweet husband saw this need and provided for us with a weekend getaway to the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains.
We arrived late on Saturday, so pretty much as soon as we got there and ran around the cabin, it was bed time. When we woke up the next morning, we spent most of our day inside because it was very cold and rainy...the kids didn't mind at all though because we played air hockey, danced to loud music, ran around the cabin, and spent some time in the hot tub. We did leave for a little while to go to a bakery at an apple orchid where we all had some yummy treats. Our day was very relaxing and freeing. It was so wonderful to just be us and not have a single commitment.
Here are the pictures below...I decided to just do snapshots hence the quality...I didn't want to be bothered with processing when we got home. Oh and the pictures of Brandon and the kids looking over the railing...the kids and Brandon were having spit races.

Joshua took this picture:

Isabel's Birthday Party-Part 2

2011-03-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Last week was Isabel's birthday party. This was her first big party and after seeing her brother and sister's she knew what they were all about. We decided on a play dough theme because...really what 3 year doesn't love play dough, especially my 3 year old.
The night started with a little play dough pinata (took me at least 6 hours to make, I wasn't too excited about seeing it hit into shreds)...it wasn't long before the kids were on the ground scrapping for candy. However, if you look at the pictures it is mainly the big kids filling up their bags with candy, the little ones were happy with a few pieces.
After the pinata, we headed inside for play dough time around the kitchen table, pizza, cupcakes and a play dough hunt. Brandon hid the little canisters of play dough around the living room for the little ones to find and bring home.
Isabel had a wonderful time with her sweet friends. They were all so cute playing together and carrying on conversations in their sweet little voices. I just can't believe they are all three!
Here are a few pictures from the party, the group picture...that is what happens when you try to get a group of three year old's to look at the camera.

Isabel's Birthday Party-Part 1

2011-03-08T05:15:00.000-08:00

So this is part one of Isabel's birthday party...these are all pictures of the decorations. I love planning and decorated for my sweet kiddos birthday parties. Isabel's party was a play dough theme...she LOVES play dough. There will be more pictures to come of what we did during the party...the kids had so much fun. For now here are the decorations...ps-the photo quality is not great, the light in the dinning...awful!

My baby is no longer a baby!

2011-03-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

She has turned three! Three! It has taken me a few days to post about it because birthdays...as joyous as they are...have a bitter side to them for me. On Isabel's birthday, I went through some old pictures and had to stop because I was physically aching. I can't believe my baby is no longer a baby. However, she is an amazing, spunky, energetic little girl and my love for her is so deep, dimple, curls, and all.
I plan on posting more about her birthday...what we did, etc. in a couple of days. Isabel's party had to be reschedule because all three kids had the flu on her birthday. I will also be posting a little note to her...when I can bring myself to do it:) For now, enjoy some pictures of my sweet baby girl when she was a baby. Check out our other two, also...they have grown so much.

A Field Trip

2011-02-16T12:52:00.000-08:00

One of the things I love about homeschooling is having freedom in our schedule. This past week the weather has been beautiful and the kids have spent many hours outside.
On Monday, the weather was in the high 50s and being outside quickly moved to the top of the agenda. So my goal became this: Be outside, use up energy, be educational.
Thankfully, this is very easy living where we live. The city we live in happens to be located on the battlefield of one of the bloodiest battles of the Civil War. There are a ton of museums, monuments, parks, etc. all dedicated to the Civil War.
So off on a Civil War journey we went. We started at a park nearby where we could hike to the top of a hill and look out all over the town and see where the battle took place. The kids read the monuments and played by a canon. After our hike to the top of the hill, we took a mile long nature walk. It was wonderful...beautiful weather, beautiful kids and great attitudes. Such a special time for me with all three of them. After our walk, we drove over to a confederate cemetary. The kids were very curious and I had a ton of questions to answer, but thanks to my Dad's love of Civil War history...I believe I answered them pretty well.
It was a wonderful time with my kiddos!

Shoes!

2011-02-16T12:19:00.001-08:00

I love Converse shoes!!! I love that both of my girls have a pair! I wish I had a pair (they make my feet look like boats)!! These are Isabel's...pink high tops...however you can't see the high in this picture. Every time she wears these shoes...I smile. I don't know what it is, but they fit her personality.

Valentines! (A day early)

2011-02-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Valentine's Day a day early this year. We never go crazy for Valentine's Day. We much rather celebrate love on a random day than on a day the world tells us to. However, the kids LOVE Valentine's day...so we did just some little things. Brandon and I decorated the table for them last night and they each woke up to a balloon, heart box candy, sweethearts, a card, and pink heart pancakes. It wasn't very much, but you could tell they loved it.

More Snow and a Sneak Attack!

2011-02-13T06:41:00.000-08:00

This year in Tennessee we have had so much snow. Not a lot in terms of the North, but a lot for the South. We had more this past Wednesday. It came so quickly with ice mixed in that it took people 6 hours to drive home just a few miles. It can get crazy down here when it snows.
So, with all the storms, we have done the cute pictures, snow angel pictures, snow man pictures, sledding pictures, eating snow pictures...so this time we settle for a funny face! (and a sneak attack by Joshua on his little sister).